


When You Say Nothing At All

by laughter_now



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, Marriage, Minor Character Death, Mpreg, Quote Challenge, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-12
Updated: 2012-07-12
Packaged: 2017-11-09 19:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/457761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughter_now/pseuds/laughter_now
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Married couples who love each other tell each other a thousand things without talking (supposedly a Chinese proverb).<br/>Answer to a Space_Married prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything associated with the Star Trek franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> Title taken from the Ronan Keating song of the same name.  
> First posted on September 23rd, 2009.

**When You Say Nothing At All**  
  
On the day Jim had married Bones, Uhura had given him a book called " _100 Easy Steps To Achieve a Long and Happy Marriage Through Communication_ ".  
  
Jim had always believed it to be a joke on her part, especially since she had handed the present over with a shit-eating grin the likes of which Jim had never seen on her face. Besides – hello! She was his Communications Officer. Contrary to the first impression many people had of him, Jim really wasn't stupid. Definitely not stupid enough to miss such an obvious play on words.  
  
Besides, Jim had more proof for his theory, in case anybody wanted to hear it – which Bones most certainly didn't, as he had made clear on plenty of occasions. But then again Bones was one to talk. Uhura had given him a book as well, but for one, _his_ had been a real paper book, and not a PADD. Also, it hadn't been a guide on keeping a successful marriage, it had been a classic xenobiology textbook written by one of Bones' former professors that Uhura had had printed on paper especially for him.  
  
If that wasn't proof that Jim's present had been a joke on Uhura's part, Jim didn't know what was.  
  
The only alternative was that Uhura thought Bones was a devoted doctor with a touch of nostalgia, and that Jim was going to screw this marriage up royally if he didn't get some serious outside help. And that was a possibility Jim didn't even want to consider. The first part he'd agree to immediately. Bones was devoted to his job to the degree that it bordered on obsession. And he definitely had his nostalgic moments, no matter that he'd stab anybody with a hypospray who'd dare to say that aloud.  
  
The second part…well, in the beginning of their marriage, Jim had actually been quite scared of screwing this up himself, which was why he was hesitant to contemplate the point any further at all.  
  
It must have been Uhura's idea of a joke. There simply was no other explanation.  
  
And admittedly, the thought that the present had been meant as a joke made Jim feel a little better about the fact that he had never gotten around to reading the thing. He had meant to, even if only for the fun of it. Just the thought of trying to mentally apply the generic advice normally found in such a book to someone as layered and non-generic as Bones sounded as if it was worth sacrificing a few hours for. But in the end other things had always come in between, and Jim had never gotten around to reading it.  
  
First there had been the honeymoon, and Jim's mind had _definitely_ been occupied with other things while that lasted. Then they had returned to Enterprise, and real life had caught up with them the instant they had stepped out of the airlock. It had simply gone forgotten. Occasionally the PADD would fall into Jim's hands when he was looking for something, or during one of the cleaning bouts Bones forced him to go through once in a while. Jim would always resolve to get around to reading the book one day, but then it always went forgotten again.  
  
Still, he never even considered throwing it out. Jim had absolutely no doubt that if he ever did, somehow Uhura would know. And joke or not, if he threw away her wedding gift, there would be hell to pay. Probably she was going to gang up on him with Bones about it, and that would be the end of the world as everybody knew it.  
  
No, it had always felt safer to keep the PADD around. And since Uhura had never once asked him what he thought of the book, Jim guessed that actually reading it had not been a requirement the present had come attached with.  
  
Jim had been looking for another PADD in one of the drawers of his desk when the self-help guide fell into his hands once more. And as always, a small pang that might have been his bad conscience about not reading the book until now coursed through him, followed immediately by amusement about the fact that obviously Uhura had thought he was going to need this book if he wanted to make his marriage to Bones last.  
  
He guessed that their track record was speaking for them. They had managed just fine without generic advice on how to communicate with one another until now. Three years and counting – well, three years, eight months and two days and counting, to those who were counting – and this whole marriage thing was still working out for them. And working out rather good, as well, as far as Jim could see.  
  
Of course it wasn't all sunshine and roses. But he hadn't expected it to be. Their friendship hadn't been, their two years as lovers hadn't been, so it would have been stupid to assume there'd be only sunshine and daisies after they put a ring on each other's finger. And Jim was anything but stupid. Besides, the occasional disagreements and fights kept things interesting. The day he and Bones were going to agree on everything was going to be the day Jim would know something was seriously wrong. Grumbling and fighting was simply a part of how they were. Also – make up sex. That said enough about the benefits of the occasional fight.  
  
Jim didn't find the PADD he had been looking for initially. He must have left it in his Ready Room yesterday, or maybe in Bones' office. But it wasn't that important right now. It were only some forms he needed to sign, and he could still do that tomorrow morning. Right now, he didn't want to leave their quarters before Bones came home from his shift.  
  
And yes, coming home sounded weird when your place or work was only one deck below the place where you lived. But that was Jim's life. Everything that mattered was on this ship, so it wasn't so much coming home after work as going to work at home. But those were semantics. Bones was going to be home soon, and Jim was waiting for him.  
  
Since he had nothing better to do with his time, Jim took Uhura's present over to the couch, settled comfortably in the pillows and activated the PADD. Dust had gathered on the screen, but other than that it was still in perfect working order. Jim quickly wiped the display with the sleeve of his shirt, then he leaned back with his legs outstretched along the length of the couch, crossed his legs at the ankles and started reading.  
  
Half an hour later, Jim put down the PADD, and the sinking feeling took hold in his chest that either the self-help guide's advice was so wide off the mark it was a wonder they had sold any copies or…  
  
…well, or he and Bones had entirely different priorities as far as communication in their marriage was concerned.  
  
  
 _#1 Any successful marriage is based on communication. Talk to your partner about what is going on in your life, and ask them what is going on in their life. There are no mundane or unimportant topics. Make sure to regularly ask your partner about the events of their day.  
_  
Jim and Bones never talked about their days at work. It was a ridiculous idea, considering that they worked together day in, day out. Jim knew what his husband did all day long. Besides, Bones wrote a report about everything he did every single day that he was on duty, a report Jim had to read and sign off, so rehashing things over dinner seemed a little like overkill.  
  
And it wasn't as if Bones didn't know what Jim was doing, either. When they were on shift together, he was a regular visitor on the bridge. As Senior Officer, he was involved in all the important decisions and sat in on all the mission briefings that were held. There was no need to tell Bones about anything that happened on the Bridge, because the things that were worth mentioning were things Bones already knew, anyway.  
  
And Bones most certainly was the first to get to know about the results of any away mission, what with the standard medical checkup required after those, and the actual need for medical attention Jim occasionally – or maybe more than just occasionally – found himself in after one of those missions had gone awry.  
  
So yeah, Bones knew practically anything that happened during Jim's day at work, anyway.  
In the unlikely case that something happened Jim wanted to tell him about, a small, maybe amusing side note that wasn't a direct part of the mission but simply something Jim wanted to share with his husband, the ship's grapevine normally worked well enough to take care of that before Jim got the chance to. So there really was no need to talk about their days during the little time they had for themselves while not on duty.  
  
According to Starfleet regulations, married couples who served aboard the same starship had the right to be working on the same shift rotation so that they'd have the same shifts off together. The concept might work out for most couples, but if the couple in question happened to be the ship's Captain and Chief Medical Officer, it was a pipe dream. Normal shift rotation didn't really apply to either of them on most ordinary days, and much less when push came to shove.  
  
Which made it all the more ironic, come to think of it. When their job on the ship actually left them the time to talk about things, there wasn't really anything to be talked about. And during those times when everything seemed to be happening at once, when sometimes Jim thought that all he needed was a couple of hours with Bones by his side for the universe to make sense again, there was no time for it. When things went wrong, it was all they could do to manage and grab an hour or two of sleep here and there, and all the time they did spend together was as Captain and CMO, not as husbands.  
  
But as screwed up as it was, it was working for them.  
  
Their relationship had worked out despite the fact that they had preciously little undisturbed time for one another. And for more than three years now, their marriage was working out as well, and quite happily as far as Jim was concerned. So it couldn't be that bad.  
  
Besides, it wasn't as if Jim really needed a report, or an in-depth conversation about the events of his husband's day to know what had happened. He might not know which particular Ensign had been treated for a case of the sniffles, or which member of the Science Crew had taken their latest experiment a little too far if he didn't read the report Bones wrote about every medical treatment that happened in Sickbay.  
  
But he knew his husband, and in the end, that was really all that mattered.  
  
He knew that when Bones came home after a long shift filled with surgeries, alien viruses or other medical emergencies, and started grumbling about Nurse Chapel's annoying habit of whistling to herself, or M'Benga's audacity to not put the dermal regenerators back where they belonged, that everything had gone well. Bones only had the nerve to grumble about those small things when everything was all right in the bigger picture.  
  
Those were the good days.  
  
And Jim knew the bad days the moment Bones came through the door of their quarters. When Bones went into the shower without saying a word, staying in there for longer than necessary as if trying to scrub the day off, it had been a bad day.  
  
Like the day they had lost Ensign Marquez and Lieutenant Hiller in a shuttle crash on Bragatan III. Marquez had died on impact, but Hiller had still been alive when they had recovered them. He had barely been alive by the time they brought him up to the ship and he was wheeled into Surgical Bay. But barely alive was enough for Bones to work with. He had brought people back who had been gone a lot farther than Hiller. There had been a notion of defiance in Bones eyes as he had prepared for the surgery, just as if he was offended by the notion that death was trying to strike while he was on duty. And Jim had firmly believed that if anybody could save the young Lieutenant, it was Bones.  
  
Eight hours of desperate surgery later, all it had taken for Jim had been one look in Bones' exhausted face to know that this time, death had won.  
  
Jim loved Bones, and he thought that over the years he had learned to know what his husband needed from him. It was easy on the good days. After those, it was so simple just to be themselves, to spend the evening curled up on the couch, talking about this and that and simply being content with the fact that they were together.  
  
After the bad days, it was a lot harder to know what Bones needed. Sometimes, that was time alone with his thoughts, and no matter how hard it was for Jim, he had learned to give Bones that space. But other times, Bones needed Jim to do something, and that was so much harder than it sounded. Bones wasn't one to openly talk about what was going on inside of him, not if it could be avoided. And that made it so incredibly much harder to say all the things Jim felt compelled to say after the bad days.  
  
It didn't stop him, though, it only forced him to think of wordless ways to say them.  
  
After losing Ensign Marquez and Lieutenant Hiller, Jim and Bones had stayed up for the entire night. They had sat on the floor in front of the sofa, legs outstretched in front of them and not touching save for the brush of shoulders and thighs as they silently commemorated the two men. And even though no words were spoken between them, Jim knew that this wasn't just about two crewmembers who had died far too young, or about the one Bones hadn't been able to save no matter how desperately he fought.  
  
Bones was no stranger to death. He still felt the loss of every patient who slipped away, felt it as a painful reminder of the fact that he couldn't always work miracles. It was this awareness and empathy that made him such a great doctor. For every time he saved someone who should by all means be beyond saving, there was another whom no amount of skill or pure medical genius could save. Bones knew that, was aware of it every time when he fought for a patient's life. And with that realization came the fear that one day, it might be Jim bleeding out under his hands. One day Jim might be the one Bones wouldn't be able to save.  
  
And this was the one fear in his husband's life that Jim didn't know how to assuage. It was a possibility they had to deal with every single day of their lives on this ship. Jim couldn't possibly tell Bones that it was going to be okay, that nothing was going to happen to him. He had meant the _Till death do us part_ of their wedding vows, but Jim had been screwed over by death often enough in his life to know that it could strike unexpectedly, in one single unlucky moment. Chances were, in their particular case death wasn't going to wait to part them until they were both old and grey, and they both knew it.  
  
So Jim didn't make any promises he wasn't going to be able to keep. He didn't try to talk Bones out of fears and worries that he knew were justified. Jim would do anything for the man he loved, but he wouldn't lie to him just to make him feel better. Especially since Bones would see right through the lie, anyway.  
  
Instead he silently sat beside his husband, silently giving him the only thing he could – the knowledge that right here, right now, he was there. No matter what was going to happen with the next red alert, the next mission they went to, or the next planet they beamed down to, right here and right now they both were alive, and together. And for that it didn't need any words.  
  
Bones finally fell asleep at some point in the early morning hours that day, head resting against Jim's shoulder and some of the tension leaving his body as he succumbed to exhaustion. It wasn't going to change things. Come morning, Marquez and Hiller would still be dead. Bones would still secretly worry that one day, it was going to be Jim's life he'd lose the fight for.  
  
But at least for now, for those few hours in the darkness as he held Bones tightly, almost desperately against his side, Jim could pretend that they were going to be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

_#2 Make plans for the future. Only if you talk about where you see yourself in a year, in five years or maybe ten years, and only if your partner shares his plans and aspirations with you, can you work at achieving your goals together._  
  
Jim and Bones never talked about what was going to happen when their five year mission was over. They both knew that once they got back to Earth, it wasn't going to be long until the Admiralty was expecting a decision on whether they were going to sign up for another five years or not.  
  
Starfleet Command wanted them to, Jim knew that. Really, they'd be crazy not to. Over the past five years, Enterprise had more than earned its reputation as a fleet flagship. And even those Admirals who had been against Jim's promotion to Captain of said flagship as so young an age, the ones who had silently worked against him in the beginning of his Captaincy, were most certainly not averse to the fame and glory Enterprise brought them.  
  
Fame and glory wasn't what Jim was after, but if it bought him the free choice as to what he wanted to do after their mission ended, he most certainly wasn't going to complain.  
  
And the question here wasn't what Jim wanted, anyway. Jim loved being in space, and he loved being Captain of the Enterprise. There would be changes to the crew, of course. There always were at the end of one mission and the beginning of another, but Jim sincerely hoped that all his Senior Officers were going to sign up for a second tour. Jim wanted to work with them again, wanted to keep exploring space and discover new worlds with those people he trusted like no others.  
  
There was no question as to what Jim wanted.  
  
But the time when Jim could make decisions only for himself were long over. Unlike at the beginning of his first assignment to Enterprise, Jim wasn't alone anymore. He was part of a _we_ now, and that changed just about everything about how Jim made decisions. And while he would agree to return to space without hesitation, he knew that with Bones, the situation was different.  
  
Bones had joined Starfleet with a future posting on a Starbase in mind. He knew that serving on a starship was going to be part of the job, something he needed to get over with, but he had never chosen it as his future career path. In fact, Jim knew his husband had only ever seen it as something he had to get over with before he'd be allowed to do the jobs he really _wanted_ to do.  
  
In the end, it had been a combination of dire circumstances, a Romulan named Nero and the huge death toll he had left in Starfleet ranks that had brought Bones on the Enterprise for such a long commitment. With a specialization like his, he could have gotten a posting on a Starbase with only a couple of months, maybe a year of serving in space. And yes, Jim knew that admittedly he himself had played a big part in Bones' decision to come aboard the Enterprise for so long.  
  
But even after all these years, and despite the fact that Bones, for all his grunting and complaining, liked the crew and quite obviously enjoyed his work and the challenges aboard a starship, he hadn't signed up for a life in space.  
  
He had followed Jim once. Well, not so much really followed as decided to stay when he had more than one chance to leave. It was something Jim was eternally grateful for, because it was how they had become what they were now. But he also knew that he couldn't just ask Bones to follow him again. Not if maybe Bones wanted something else.  
  
And the time between missions was traditionally the time for sign-ups and offers. Not that there hadn't been any offers over the past five years. There had been, for Bones as well as for all his other Senior Officers. Jim was aware that his crew consisted of the best in their fields, so it was merely a confirmation of that when other Captains and Commanders wanted them, as well.  
  
And as with all other crewmembers, Jim had forwarded each job offer addressed to his CMO to Bones, and left the decision about them up to him. He knew that Bones had never considered a single one.  
  
But things might be different now, with closure on those five years aboard Enterprise. One of Bones' real genius skills was research, something he could practice much better in a Starbase, or a research center than on a starship. Jim simply knew that as soon as they arrived on Earth, the job offers for Bones were going to come in. He was going to wait them out, and if there was one amongst them that Bones really wanted to accept, then this time Jim was going to be the one who'd follow.  
  
It was as easy as that, really.  
  
Starfleet wanted him aboard the Enterprise, Jim knew that. But Starfleet could collectively kiss his ass; he was going where Bones was going. And he was going to make sure that their next posting was going to be where Bones wanted to be. If that wasn't on Enterprise, then that was that.  
  
To be completely honest, Jim was a bit anxious about what would be if Bones wanted to leave. Jim was going to miss the Enterprise, and the crew. If there was one thing those past five years had taught Jim, then it was that he needed space; he needed Enterprise and that feeling of unlimited freedom that came from hundreds of light-years of unexplored space around him. But in the end, he would always need Bones more. So whatever the decision was going to be, it wasn't going to be a hard one. Not really.  
  
When they finally docked at Jupiter Station, it took nearly an entire day to get the whole procedural part of officially returning from a mission over and done with. Most of the crew had already vacated the ship by the time Jim got off the Bridge and returned to Bones' and his quarters. Or rather, what had been their quarters for the past five years.  
  
Starfleet was, above anything, a bureaucracy. Really, nobody knew that better than Jim. The amount of paperwork he had to do even while in deep space and far out of communications range with any of his superiors was mind-boggling.  
  
And because Starfleet had perfected bureaucracy, it meant that with the end of every mission, all staff quarters were to be vacated. Personal effects were packed in boxes which were then stored at Jupiter Station, to be brought back to the living quarters once the respective crewmember got their new assignment.  
  
It made sense, in a way.  
  
Even if a crewmember knew that they were going to return to the same ship with their next assignment, there was always the possibility that they were going to be assigned to a different station, a different team aboard and thusly, different living quarters. For most crewmembers, it made sense.  
  
Admittedly, it didn't make much sense for the Captain to pack up all his belongings, have them stored in the Space Station while he wasn't aboard and have them brought back before his return aboard. There was only one Captain's quarters aboard, after all.  
  
Well, it didn't make sense if the Captain already knew that he was going to return, and Jim in all honesty didn't yet know if he was going to or not.  
  
It was surprising how much personal clutter had accumulated over the past years. Both Bones and Jim had joined Starfleet with barely more than the clothes on their backs. That hadn't changed much during the years at the Academy. Neither of them hoarded, or needed possessions aside from a few personal memorabilia. Strangely, ever since their marriage, they seemed to have accumulated far more clutter than two people combined were supposed to. Wedding gifts, other presents, books, PADDs, small souvenirs from all over the universe – it had taken days to get all that packed up. It was going to be placed in storage after they left the ship later today, and would be brought back before their return, just as if it had never gone in their absence. If they returned, that is.  
  
Packing up the first three years of his married life with Bones felt like the end of something, and the uncertain beginning of something unknown, something vague and intangible. It was weird, but strangely it wasn't scary. Wherever it was going to take them, Bones was going to be there. And that was enough for Jim.  
  
When Jim arrived at their quarters, Bones was just packing the last of their clothes into the two large duffle bags that were the only things they were going to take with them during their stay on Earth. The remaining boxes with their possessions were stacked against one wall, and Jim deliberately didn't look at them when he came into the room.  
  
Bones looked up upon Jim's entry, one eyebrow raised and looking grumpy and tired.  
  
"Finally tore yourself away from the bridge? About damn time Jim, the shuttle's going to leave in fifteen minutes. And as much as you love this flying tin can, if I have to spend another night here instead of breathing fresh air back home, it's going to be a long shore-leave for you and your right hand."  
  
It didn't even take any effort for Jim to hear the underlying fondness in the gruffly delivered statement – and he really hoped that the last part of Bones' words had been an empty threat.  
He stepped up close, so close that he could feel Bones' warmth without actually touching him, just savoring this feeling of proximity, the anticipation of weeks just for themselves ahead, before he wrapped his arms around Bones' shoulders and pressed a kiss on his husband's lips. Bones' lips warm and responsive under his, kissing back and opening up for him immediately. But after a couple of moments, he withdrew from the embrace.  
  
"There'll be time for that later. We gotta go, Jim."  
  
Jim nodded, reluctantly reaching for one of the duffle bags on the bed. Their bed, he thought with an unsettling degree of wistfulness. It was going to be hard to imagine saying that about another bed in the near future. Or at any time, really. This was where the most important thing in Jim's life had started, and Jim was more than just reluctant to leave it behind, even if Bones himself was going to come with him.  
  
"Jim?"  
  
Jim turned around and forced himself to smile at Bones, trying to keep the turmoil inside of him from showing on his face. Three months. They had three months in which to decide what to do. That was plenty of time.  
  
"Yeah, let's go."  
  
He picked up the duffle bag and slung it over his shoulder. Turning around, he saw that Bones had forgotten to pack the two framed pictures that always stood on his nightstand. It were old-fashioned printed pictures and not data-screens. The first picture, the one of a five-year old Joanna smiling into the camera, had been standing there ever since Bones had moved into Jim's quarters. The second was a picture of them together, taken on shore-leave a few months before they had married, smiling and goofing off in front of the camera in a rare moment of complete relaxation.  
  
Those pictures belonged next to their bed, and Jim was astonished that Bones could have forgotten to pack them. He turned back to his husband.  
  
"Bones, you forgot the pictures."  
  
Bones just looked at Jim as if he had just said something incredibly stupid. With a monumental eye roll – one of the kind that said _you're an idiot, but I love you anyway_ – he reached for the other duffle bag and slung it over his shoulder.  
  
"Come on Jim, that shuttle ain't waiting for us."  
  
With one hand on the small of Jim's back, Bones gently pushed him towards the door of their quarters. The pictures remained standing right where they were even as the door swished shut behind them on their way to Shuttle Bay.  
  
The pictures were still going to be there when they came back in three months. More importantly, the pictures stayed behind because they were going to come back. Bones hadn't forgotten them after all. He had just made his decision about where their path was going to take them a lot earlier than Jim had expected him to. Jim couldn't help but interrupt their way to catch their shuttle once, to drop his duffle bag and wrap Bones up in a long kiss, right in the middle of an empty corridor.  
  
Jim's home was where Bones was. But right now, he was relieved and more than glad that Enterprise was going to remain their home, for at least another five years longer.


	3. Chapter 3

_#3 Arguments are nothing but another form of communication and shouldn't be shied away from. Once the underlying reason for the argument has been discussed and resolved, you and your partner will emerge a stronger couple from it.  
_  
The couch was uncomfortable.  
  
Oh, it was perfect for sitting on, and Jim certainly didn't have any complaints about all the lazy days or evenings he and Bones had spent on it. Jim had nothing against the couch _per se_. In fact, there were some very fond memories he associated with this particular piece of furniture.  
  
But fuck it, the thing was horribly uncomfortable to sleep on.  
  
It was big enough, that was the only good thing to be said about it. If it was big enough for two grown men to laze around on with all the back cushions in place, it was definitely big enough for a single man to sleep on it once the cushions were removed. But still, Jim had been tossing and turning for the past hour, trying to find a comfortable position to fall asleep in.  
  
He had tried falling asleep on his back, had tried curling up on either side, with a pillow under his head, then clutching it to his chest, then flat on his back with all pillows thrown haphazardly off the couch. But nothing worked, despite the fact that Jim had come off a double shift earlier and was dead on his feet.  
  
Jim didn't like to admit it, but he knew the reason why he couldn't fall asleep, no matter how tired he was.  
  
It was because he was alone.  
  
Which was _ridiculous_ , come to think of it. For more than twenty-five years, Jim had fallen asleep quite comfortably without anybody in the bed beside him. He had never had any problems with that. On the contrary, Jim had always felt a little tense when the topic of staying the night had come up. Most times, he had simply waited for his partner to fall asleep and then quietly snuck out.  
  
Jim liked sex, always had, and he had absolutely no issues with the intimacy of the act. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was that there was a whole different level of intimacy to actually falling asleep with someone. It wasn't like sex, a purely physical thing during which Jim could keep as many masks in place as he wanted. Sleeping in the same bed as somebody else meant letting his guard down. It meant leaving himself completely vulnerable, and that had been something Jim had never found himself ready for with any of his conquests.  
  
Until one Leonard McCoy had come into his life.  
  
Maybe the reason was that they had been friends long before they had become anything more, but Jim didn't think that alone was it. No, it was because with Bones, there were feelings involved. Always had been.  
  
Even during the first night they spent together, Jim couldn't stop the nearly physical _need_ to have the other man close to him. For the first time, he actually wanted to spend the entire night with someone, _wanted_ Bones to still be around when he woke up.  
  
It was a feeling that hadn't let up just once ever since then.  
  
Jim didn't know how or when it had happened, but at some point between falling in love with his best friend and their life as a married couple, he had somehow lost his ability to sleep alone.  
It shouldn't surprise him, really. He and Bones always fell asleep wrapped up around each other in one way or another. It wasn't only blissful post-coital cuddling; it was something that simply happened whenever they went into bed together, even if their only intention for doing so was to sleep. Bones' warmth was like a magnet to Jim, and only when he had his arms wrapped around the other man in some way was he able to relax and fall asleep.  
  
If he wanted to get introspective – which Jim really didn't, but what else was left for him to do if he lay awake at ass o'clock in the morning? – then he'd say he was unable to let go of Bones even in sleep. More than once, he had woken up in the morning to find them in an uncomfortably cramped position, just for the sake of being able to touch. Not the normal curling up around one another, but touching despite lying in a position that actually excluded touch – Jim sleeping with his back to Bones, one arm stretched out behind himself to rest against his husband's arm; Bones on his stomach, head pillowed on his crossed arms, and one of his legs stretched out to lie over Jim's.  
  
They needed to touch, it was as simple as that.  
  
So right now Jim found himself unable to sleep without Bones by his side. And it wasn't for any of the normal reasons that sometimes kept them apart at night. They weren't on duty during opposing shifts, and Bones wasn't away from the ship for a mission during the night, either.  
  
No, Bones was just in the next room – in _their_ bedroom, in _their_ bed, just for the record – and it could as well have been a galaxy of space between them and not just a few feet of their quarters and the bedroom door.  
  
And why? Because they were fighting.  
  
Which was ridiculous, especially since Jim had no idea what the hell they were fighting about in the first place.  
  
It wasn't unusual that they fought. It was part of their dynamic as a couple, and something that simply came along with the package of working and living together in the same confined space. It wasn't always possible to keep disagreements that happened on duty from bleeding through into their private life. It just happened, and so far Jim thought that they were dealing with stuff like that pretty well.  
  
Occasionally they just blew up and yelled at one another, but it was usually over as soon as it started. They needed to let off steam once in a while, and it never had any lasting effects. Besides – make up sex. If there ever was a good reason for the occasional fight, then that was it.  
  
But this was something new.  
  
Never in their years of being together, in those nearly three years of being married, had Jim and Bones gone to bed angry. And never before had it been so bad that one of them had slept on the couch. Of course not, because if this had happened before, Jim would have known that this thing was impossible to sleep on.  
  
The whole thing became even more ridiculous because Jim had no idea what they had even been fighting about. Oh, he knew what had been the trigger all right. But most certainly something as insignificant as a message Jim had forgotten to pass along was not reason enough to justify such an epic freak-out as the one that had happened earlier this evening. And in Jim's defense, the message had been neither important nor urgent. It had been a simple inquiry by another Starfleet Doctor which Uhura had relayed to the console in their quarters. Jim had read it and then simply forgotten about it.  
  
And the fight hadn't been about the message, though for the life of him Jim wasn't able to say what the hell it had been about.  
  
Things had been stressful lately. He and Bones hadn't had much off-duty time on their own. Instead, there had been two tense and long-winded missions right after one another, then an infectious outbreak on board that had kept Bones busy beyond what was normal even for him. It had been frustrating, sure. But not so much that Jim would have said they were having problems.  
Not until Bones had read the message Jim had forgotten to pass along, and suddenly the whole thing had blown up. They had been about to go to bed when Bones had discovered the message, and from then on it had been as if someone had lit a fuse, and the imminent explosion took everything down with it.  
  
One moment Bones had been ranting about how the message could have been about something important, and that Jim was inconsiderate, irresponsible as well as forgetful, the next their one-sided conversation had turned into accusations about how Jim was flighty and never took anything serious. About the time that Bones' rant turned into a lecture about how there were two people in every relationship, especially in a marriage, and maybe it was about time Jim remembered that, Bones had closed the bedroom door right in Jim's face.  
  
Damn bastard hadn't even had the decency to toss him a blanket or his pillow before he locked him out, either.  
  
So it was all Bones' fault.  
  
It was Bones' fault that Jim was lying on the uncomfortable, lumpy sofa right now. It was his fault that Jim couldn't sleep, that he only had the too-squishy couch cushions and a thin blanket from the supply closet that he couldn't possibly get comfortable with. And it was definitely Bones' fault that Jim couldn't sleep on his own, without the feeling of the other man's arms wrapped around him and the sound of his breathing in his ear.  
  
Jim didn't think this one fight meant they were having serious problems in their marriage. It most certainly wasn't that bad. For the most part it meant that they had too little time on their own and that the frustration about that had simply boiled over. Despite that, Jim didn't doubt that they both loved each other.  
  
Which absolutely didn't mean that right now, Jim wasn't pissed as hell at his husband.  
Bones was going to have some serious groveling to do, and Jim wasn't going to show him any mercy. They had never gone to bed angry before, and Jim was going to make sure Bones would regret this enough so that it wasn't going to happen ever again.  
  
Because as far as he was concerned, this whole thing was Bones' fault, so Bones was going to be the one to do the apologizing. Jim didn't mind so much that Bones had vented his frustration on him. That happened, and it had happened before, both ways around. No, what really pissed Jim off were the unfounded – and yes, totally _unfair_ – accusations Bones had thrown at him during his freak-out, and the fact that he had slammed the door in his face before Jim could have said anything in his defense. Well, as much as one could slam a sliding door, but it was the principle that counted.  
  
No, Bones was going to do the apologizing here, and with every minute that Jim couldn't fall asleep, the tally was getting bigger and bigger.  
  
Jim finally gave up trying to find a comfortably position and just ay there facing the wall, with the too-thin blanket wrapped around him. The room was cold, but Jim was too damn tired to get up and adjust the environmental controls. Another thing to add to the list of things Bones was going to have to make up for, because Jim hated being cold. He really, really hated it.  
  
The room was dark and still around him as Jim kept staring at the wall, willing for sleep to come even though he knew that it was a lost cause.  
  
He didn't know how much time had passed when the pneumatic hiss of the bedroom door opening tore through the silence in the room. Jim was startled for a moment, but he quickly forced his body to relax into the sofa. He definitely wouldn't let Bones see that he was still wide awake. No, he wasn't going to give the other man that satisfaction. Forcing himself to breathe as deeply and evenly as he could, Jim let his eyes drop close. Surely, if Bones had gotten up to get himself something to drink, or to go to the bathroom, he wasn't going to stand around trying to figure out if Jim was sleeping or not.  
  
But all Jim heard was the sound of the door swishing shut again. There were no steps going either towards the bathroom or the small kitchen area, and in the otherwise absolute stillness of the room Jim should have heard the silent tread of bare feet against the floor.  
  
Jim suddenly felt itchy, barely able to resist the urge to move. This was worse than knowing that Bones was ignoring him on his way through the room. Knowing that his husband was standing there, just a few feet away from him, but not knowing what he was doing or thinking was sheer torture. He couldn't even look at Bones, and that was the worst thing. Normally, Jim knew very well what was going on in the head of the man he loved if he could only look in his face. Bones might seem gruff and unruffled by anything to the casual observer, but after all these years he was an open book to Jim.  
  
Only now he couldn't see him, wouldn't have been able to see him in the darkness even if he had been facing the room instead of the wall, and it was driving Jim insane.  
  
The room was silent for another long few moments, and Jim already thought that Bones hadn't even left the bedroom and he was all alone with his thoughts, when a soft sigh broke through the stillness of the room. Jim knew how helplessly lost he was when even after a fight, that single slightly pained sound was enough to make him want to go over to Bones and wrap his arms around him.  
  
So much for his resolve to remain angry with his husband until he apologized.  
  
"Damn it," Bones whispered into the darkness, and there was none of the usual slur or pronounced drawl in his voice that was normally there when he had been roused from sleep. Jim couldn't say why, but the thought that Bones had been just as unable to sleep alone as Jim was held some measure of comfort.  
  
The soft exclamation was followed by steps coming into the direction of the couch, and it took all of Jim's self control not to either tense up or turn around and show Bones that he was awake. Pretending to be asleep was far easier than facing another confrontation right now. Not that Jim thought for one second Bones would really believe him to be asleep, but it was up to Bones to make the first move.  
  
The steps stopped beside the couch for a second or two, then there was the rustling sound of fabric being unfolded, and a warm weight settled over Jim's body. The room was still dark, but Jim didn't need to see it to recognize the feel and smell of the comforter from their bed. It was warm, it smelled like Bones and him, and all Jim wanted to do was curl up under it with a sigh and finally go to sleep.  
  
Jim knew his husband. It was impossible not to, after years of friendship and love. Bones wasn't exactly talkative about emotional things, but that didn't mean he wasn't trying to get his meaning across. Because he wasn't saying things didn't mean that he wasn't showing them.  
  
There was a code to how Bones admitted to things he didn't know how to say out loud, and Jim prided himself in the fact that he had cracked it.  
  
Leaving the bedroom, breaking the separation he himself had forced upon them for the night, had been the first step. Bones had made that first step, and bringing the comforter had been both, wordless apology and the silent admittance that he hadn't been able to sleep without his husband, either.  
  
But Jim also knew that Bones was leaving the reaction up to Jim now. Jim could send Bones back to the bedroom, alone, just as wordlessly by turning a cold shoulder, and that would be that. But he didn't want to drag out this stupid fight that had started without a proper reason, anyway. Jim wanted to sleep, and he wanted Bones right next to him while he did that. All the groveling he was going to wrench out of Bones for this little fit of frustrated stupidity could as well wait until tomorrow.  
  
He still had his back turned to Bones, but Jim didn't need to turn around or speak to let Bones know what he wanted. Jim reached out and drew the comforter back, away from his shoulder and his upper back, answering Bones' wordless apology with an equally wordless invitation. Nothing happened for a second or two, then Jim felt the couch dip slightly under Bones' weight as he sat down. There was another moment of hesitation, then Bones heaved a sigh as if he had lost – or maybe won – an internal battle he had been fighting, and finally he stretched out on the couch behind Jim and pulled the comforter up to cover them both.  
  
The couch wasn't big. It was definitely big enough for one person to lie on comfortably. Also for two, if they didn't mind lying close to one another. What it _wasn't_ big enough for was for two people to sleep on with a lot of space between them.  
  
It was a silent game of action and reaction, of asking for and granting permission just as if one single stupid fight had somehow upset all their usual dynamics.  
  
The first hesitant touch of a hand against Jim's side made him relax for the first time since Bones had slammed the door in his face. He leaned back against Bones, who in turn took that as permission to finally slide closer.  
  
Bones slowly wrapped himself around Jim from behind, hesitation still in every movement as if he was worried Jim was going to push him away. But pushing the other man away was the last thing on Jim's mind right now. At the feeling of Bones' skin pressing against his bare shoulders and back, Jim couldn't help but relax back against him with a small sigh.  
  
It was a weirdly hesitant process as they settled on the couch together, still without a word passed between them. But Jim didn't need any big words right now. Talking the thing to death was only going to give more importance to a stupid fight that had been totally unimportant to begin with. And Bones was apologizing with every hesitant movement he made as he wrapped his arms around Jim like he did every night.  
  
A leg worked itself between Jim's, and Bones' right hand radiated heat where it was settled on Jim's hip, while Bones' other arm moved though the space between Jim's neck and the mattress, pillowing Jim's head on his upper arm. Jim shifted his weight surreptitiously, trying to make it easier for Bones to maneuver them into a more comfortable position.  
  
Jim settled himself against Bones with a comfortable sigh, feeling himself relax as their bodies fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. And this was all Jim needed to finally feel exhausted sleep tug at the edges of his awareness. Bones' breath was gushing warmly over his neck, and Jim pulled his husband's hand away from his hip, pulling his arm tightly around his side.  
  
Even already half asleep, they kept playing this game of action and reaction where Bones made a move and waited to see how Jim was going to react to it. The thumb of his right hand was drawing lazy circles over the skin of Jim's stomach as his left hand reached unerringly for Jim's, intertwining their fingers so that the warm metal of their wedding rings touched.  
  
This was Bones asking for forgiveness, just as plain and clear as if he had said the words out loud, and Jim really didn't have the heart to draw this unnecessary fight out for any longer. He squeezed Bones' hand in return, then brought their intertwined fingers up to press a gentle kiss against his husband's knuckles.  
  
Bones sighed, a low sound of relief against Jim's skin, and Jim felt his lips move in a smile before they pressed an equally gentle kiss against Jim's neck. Jim mirrored the smile as he placed their joined hands against his chest, cocooning himself inside Bones' arms the way it was supposed to be.  
  
"You're an idiot," Jim mumbled, sleep already tugging at him. Bones made a small sound in the back of his throat, a sleepy hum of agreement, and really, that was all the answer Jim could have asked for.  
  
Bones might be an idiot, but he was Jim's idiot, and in the end that was all that mattered.  
There was no real reason why they stayed on the couch when their far more comfortable bed was just a few steps away, none other than fatigue at least. But with Bones beside him Jim was more than comfortable enough.  
  
Oh, Bones was going to have some serious groveling to do to make it up to Jim, but that could wait until morning. Jim was thinking at least coffee, if not an entire breakfast in bed, and maybe an early-morning wake up blowjob. He was going to think of something.  
  
But for now, they were going to sleep.  
 _ **  
**_


	4. Chapter 4

_#4 Be open about it when a situation makes you uncomfortable. Do not stand by and watch if you have the feeling that a third party is trying to interfere in your relationship. Every relationship has boundaries, and only if your partner and you openly discuss those boundaries and the consequences of them being crossed, can your relationship thrive even from a healthy dose of jealousy.  
_  
  
Before Jim joined Starfleet, he never spent much time thinking about different shades of facial expressions. A smile was a smile, a smirk was nothing else but a smirk, and there wasn't much leeway to interpret a disgusted grimace, a frown or a scowl. Facial expressions were just that, and they most certainly didn't bear thinking too much about any hidden deeper meanings. Of course Jim knew that there were people who smiled at you when they were trying to stab you in the back. Yeah, he _definitely_ knew about that. But he relied on his gut feeling, his knowledge of people and their hidden agendas, to figure out who was honest with him and who not.  
  
It wasn't so much a matter of knowing the finer nuances of facial expressions than more a matter of knowing human nature.  
  
Or so Jim thought, until he met one Doctor Leonard McCoy, or 'Bones' for those who were lucky enough to be the man's best friend, lover, and husband. Which was an exclusive right Jim claimed for himself, and had no intention giving up anytime in the future.  
  
Meeting Bones, getting to know him, had been a crash course in the varieties of facial expressions and their meanings. And Jim had become an attentive student.  
  
Bones had a plethora of expressions at his disposal, most prominently the scowl. The word scowl had gained a whole new meaning to Jim since he had met Bones. It wasn't merely the fact that Bones scowled like nobody's business. There were other expressions he used often, and in different variations. Right on top of Jim's ranking of favorites was that absolutely tender smile Bones got once in a while, when he thought nobody could see. Jim especially loved that smile when he knew that he was the one who had put it there. And then there was that blissful, sated and completely exhausted expression in those blissful moments after good sex, during those moments of post-coital cuddling while sleep was already tugging at them.  
  
There were more expressions Bones had at his disposal and used plentiful, but the scowl was the one with the most variations.  
  
Jim had tried to count the different versions of Bones' scowls once, but had to admit defeat somewhere between fourteen and twenty – in one single _day_. There were different scowls for different degrees of annoyance, exasperation and frustration; then there the scowls that seemed reserved for Jim alone, the ones that said _You're an idiot_ with a strong undercurrent of fondness beneath. Bones even scowled when he was happy, although that particular code had been one it had taken Jim a while to crack.  
  
But there was one thing Jim was sure of: Bones was the master of scowls.  
He'd give each Admiral in Starfleet and every single member of the Vulcan High Council a run for their money should circumstances ever warrant a competition. If there were Space Olympics in Scowling, they could just skip the competition and hand Bones his gold medal.  
  
Jim really loved Bones' scowls. They made him feel oddly protective of his husband and their relationship, and watching them was like deciphering a code that had been written especially for him.  
  
Only right now, Bones was scowling for another reason entirely, and Jim felt more than a little unsettled by it.  
  
Right now, the full force of Bones' darkest scowl was directed at Raella, Princess of Eilon IV, the planet they were currently visiting. Eilon IV was negotiating to join the Federation, and Enterprise had been sent to handle the diplomatic talks. Which meant that Jim had been stuck in boring negotiations all day long for nearly a week, a time during which he had hardly seen Bones. And now that the hard part of this mission was over and they had been invited to join the celebrations, Jim still didn't get to spend any time with his husband.  
  
It wasn't for a lack of wanting on either side. No, the reason was solely Princess Raella and how she was monopolizing Bones ever since the celebration had begun.  
  
It sucked, _royally_ – pun fully intended.  
  
It sucked that Jim was standing forlornly near the buffet when by all rights he should be having dinner with Bones, and maybe sneak away for a little while to make up for the fact that they had barely seen each other lately. And it sucked even worse that for the sake of diplomacy he had to stand by and watch how the Princess was inching closer and closer to Bones. She had shown no sense of personal space to begin with, and by now had proceeded to stray way too far into what Jim considered his territory, and his territory alone.  
  
Jim normally wasn't the jealous type. Oh well, who was he kidding. Of course he didn't particularly like it when people got too close to Bones. It was just that Bones never let anybody get close enough that it would warrant anything like real jealousy from Jim. Besides, Jim wasn't above stepping in and leaving no doubt as to the degree of their commitment to anybody who was too blind to see the rings on their fingers (or, in their defense, to those who might be unaware of the meaning behind those rings).  
Which in this case wasn't exactly a possibility.  
  
Jim was under clear orders by Starfleet. Of course those weren't orders to sacrifice his monogamous relationship in order to make sure that the strategically important Eilon IV joined the Federation. Starfleet interfered with many things, but so far they stayed out of its officers marriages. In this case, however, it came pretty close. Jim was under orders to lead the negotiations in such a way that nothing would stand in the way of Eilos' leaders wanting to join the Federation.  
  
Princess Raella was the absolute leader of Eilos IV. So basically the whole mission depended on whether or not she decided that her planet would profit enough from joining the Federation. The negotiations had gone well, but that didn't mean the Princess couldn't change her mind in a moment's notice if something rubbed her the wrong way.  
  
Jim guessed he could take her interest in Bones as a compliment. After all, of all the members of his crew who had beamed down for the negotiations and subsequent celebrations, she had picked Bones. So even if she was a royal bitch with absolutely no sense of decorum, at least she was a royal bitch with taste. Because yeah, Bones was by far the best looking guy in the room, and if it weren't for one very obtrusive princess, Jim would be able to enjoy that fact right now.  
  
And it wasn't as if she was crossing any real boundaries, or that Bones was some damsel in distress who needed a knight in shining armor to swoop in for the rescue. It was just that Raella was trying too hard, her laugh too loud and fake, her dress exposing too much cleavage that she always forced into Bones' line of vision, and she was simply too close. With every step she took into Bones' personal space, Jim noticed how his husband took a surreptitious evasive step back. For the past half hour they had been playing this game, and Jim was worried that soon Bones' back would hit the wall and leave him nowhere to retreat to.  
  
And then there were her clumsy and ill-concealed attempts at touching Bones.  
  
Jim really wasn't a jealous guy, but if her hand was going to stray just once more towards areas which only _Jim_ was allowed touch, he wouldn't be held responsible. Something dark and ugly was stirring deep inside of him, and it wasn't going to take much longer until he'd stop caring about interstellar relations and diplomacy entirely.  
  
And with every improper move Raella had made, Bones' scowl had darkened. The first time he had been forced to move his dress uniform-clad behind out of reach of her grabby hands, the scowl had reached a degree of wrath Jim never wanted to see directed at himself.  
  
It had to stop, Jim thought as he watched Raella throw back her head and laugh fakely at something Bones had said, practically shoving her ample cleavage into Bones' face. Because if it continued like this, Jim wouldn't be held responsible anymore. And he knew Bones well enough to know that he had reached the limit of what he could still be polite about, as well.  
  
The problem was, Jim had no idea how to deter the Princess' attention from his husband. Well, nothing short of walking up to them and publicly staking his claim, and from all he had seen about the Eilons, their Princess and their society, that wouldn't go over too well. And there was no official reason to call Bones away from her, either. They weren't on duty, and short of a medical emergency…  
  
Jim's eyes strayed over the ample buffet in front of him as his thoughts wandered, and his gaze stopped abruptly when his eyes fell on the large plate with slices of a melon-like fruit. As it was done every time they entered a new world, Bones and the science team had analyzed the indigenous vegetation of Eilon IV upon their arrival. Jim only remembered because Bones had explicitly warned him about eating that particularly fruit during his stay on the planet. While looking like a melon, apparently from its composition it was more similar to a terran kiwi.  
  
Jim was allergic to kiwi.  
  
Not the _eat it and die_ kind of allergic. Well, not if he got medical help and a shot of the right medication in time. But he wasn't going to just drop dead immediately. And he had it on good authority that Bones had taken care to bring his med-kit along to the celebrations. In fact, he had heard him grumble about how with Jim, one could never know when it would be needed as he had grabbed the kit right before their departure.  
  
So if the only way to avoid an interstellar incident was to get Bones away from the Princess, and if the only way to get that done was provoke a medical emergency, Jim figured it was his duty as a Starfleet Captain to make the necessary sacrifices.  
Especially if the means to do so were presented to him on a silver platter that was anything but a figure of speech.  
  
And really, he had eaten kiwi before. It hadn't been _that_ bad.  
  
So before rational thought had a chance to take over his brain and tell Jim just on how many levels this was a bad idea, he had already reached for a slice of the fruit and bit into it.  
  
It tasted good – sweet and refreshing, and not at all like a kiwi. More like a strawberry, really……Only that Jim never got numb tongue from eating strawberries. His throat never closed up from eating strawberries, either. Neither from kiwis, come to think of it, at least not this fast.  
  
Jim heard the crash of expensive Eilosian china hitting the floor, but he wasn't really aware that he had swept one of the ceremonial plates off the buffet in an attempt to find something to hold on to. Gasping for breath he looked up, eyes desperately searching out Bones. His husband was turning at the sound of breaking dishes, unerringly seeking out Jim in the crowded room. The last thing Jim saw was how Bones' eyes widened before he broke into a run across the room. Then everything turned dark around him, and he couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, his ingenious plan to get Bones away from the Princess had actually been really, _really_ stupid.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Bones, it seemed, agreed with that half-coherent assessment about Jim's idea. As soon as Jim woke up, on a biobed in Sickbay, blissfully able to breathe again and rather thankful that he was back on Enterprise, he found himself face to face with one thoroughly pissed off CMO. Bones was back in his blue uniform, arms crossed over his chest and one eyebrow raised as he leveled an unearthly glare at his husband.  
  
Yeah, probably not such a good idea.  
  
Jim didn't even need to ask. Just one look at Bones was enough. Bones knew that it had been no accident that Jim had eaten the fruit that had caused the allergic reaction. He knew that Jim wasn't stupid, and he had explicitly pointed the fruit out to him. And from there, it wasn't too far to draw the conclusion as to why Jim had done it.  
  
Judged by the look on Bones' face, _stupid_ didn't even begin to cover what he thought of Jim's ingenious idea.  
  
"Damn it, Jim," Bones snapped, making no move to help as Jim struggled to sit upright on the bed. "Isn't it enough for you to get shot at and beaten on a regular basis? Now you've got to try and mutilate yourself during a peaceful celebration, too?"  
  
"She was grabbing your ass!"  
  
And boy, did that sound stupid, not to mention juvenile. Bones rolled his eyes.  
  
"You don't say. I had it under control. I'm a grown boy, Jim. I can deal with a hormone-driven Princess on my own, you really didn't need to poison yourself in order to protect my virtue."  
  
Jim knew that. And much as he loathed to admit it, that hadn't been the reason why Jim had been so desperate to get that Princess away from Bones.  
  
"I couldn't stand watching how she was feeling you up."  
  
It had to be the medication, because Jim couldn't possibly sound this whiny and childish, let alone possessive. Normally that tone of voice would have drawn a fond, if slightly exasperated smile from his husband. But today was apparently the _Day of Scowls_ , so Jim found himself on the receiving end of one of those instead. Not the kind of scowl Princess Raella had received earlier in the night. No, it was one of the scowls Bones had reserved for Jim alone, and that made him feel a little better about everything.  
  
And this time, it didn't take much deciphering to understand what this particular scowl said.  
  
 _You're stupid. Incredibly, unbelievably stupid. But I love you anyway._  
  
And maybe it was his imagination, but Jim had the impression that when Bones jabbed the hypospray into his neck, he was at least trying to be gentle about it.


	5. Chapter 5

_#5 Never hesitate to talk to your partner about your biggest fears. Fears can only be assuaged if they're openly communicated. Only if you know about the things your partner really fears and worries about can you know how to avoid situations in which those fears become overwhelming.  
_  
Jim knew that Bones always worried about him, and in many different ways. Whenever Jim left the ship, whenever diplomatic negotiations got stuck, whenever they encountered hostile species or communications broke off, Bones worried about him. He worried about Jim because as CMO it was his job to always be concerned about the Captain's safety. And even more so, he worried about the man he loved, his husband, the one person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.  
  
Jim _knew_ that.  
  
He knew it so well because he was feeling the same, and not exactly to a lesser degree just because Bones didn't get into nearly as many dangerous situations as Jim did.  
  
It wasn't as if Jim was seeking out danger intentionally. Back from a very early age on, people had told him he attracted trouble like a magnet. Jim had no idea if that was true. If he was honest with himself, it was far more probable that a lot of the trouble he ever got in was to blame entirely on him. Him, his big mouth, and the fact that sometimes you just had to attract trouble in order to be noticed.  
  
But that was the past. Jim was Captain of a starship now, and that meant his priorities were different. He was well aware of the responsibilities that came along with the job. Starfleet had all these regulations about how the Captain's wellbeing was of paramount importance. Jim had…well, a slightly different viewpoint. The way he saw it, as Captain it was his job to make sure that every single crewmember made it out of whatever mission they were involved in safely. And sometimes, that required pushing them out of harm's way – even if that meant putting himself right into it.  
  
Still, Jim didn't think that really counted as attracting trouble. He was just doing his job, the only way he could do it and still sleep at night. Not worrying Bones in the process of doing so, however, was nearly impossible, and Jim knew it. Bones would always worry whenever Jim wasn't within his sight.  
  
It was easy to tell the degree of Bones' worry by his reaction whenever Jim ended up in Sickbay – something that, just for the record, didn't happen nearly as often as some people made it out to be. Incidentally, the degree of Bones' worry was also a very good indicator for the severity of Jim's injuries. And because Bones always seemed to be right by Jim's bedside the moment his head cleared again or he woke up, as if he had an internal sense of when exactly Jim was going to return to coherency, Jim always got the immediate assessment of how bad his injuries had been. And of just how much Bones had worried about him this time.  
  
When Jim woke up to find Bones berating him, grumbling and complaining about what an idiot he was, and a careless one at that, Jim knew that it hadn't been bad. If Bones was riled up, that meant he had stopped worrying a while ago in favor of preparing the rant and lecture. Which led to the conclusion that his injuries probably hadn't been dangerous, let alone life threatening. So if Jim woke up to find Bones by his bedside, grousing and bitching about stupidity and _damn idiots who think command stripes make them invincible_ , he knew that he was probably going to be back on duty within a day.  
  
Jim could deal with that.  
  
It was different when Jim found Bones sitting by his bedside upon coming back to. If Bones was sitting beside Jim instead of bustling about Sickbay, treating patients and going about his normal business, it had been bad.  
  
Those were the times when Jim found himself waking to the sight of hours – and sometimes days – of worrying and agonizing fall away from his husband's face the moment he opened his eyes. Sometimes, the grumbling and berating started after that, but more often than not in those situations, relief outweighed Bones' need to tell Jim exactly just how stupid he thought he really was.  
  
It was always slightly different, nuances to the same theme, but the basic premise remained the same: if Bones was grumpy and annoyed, and made no move to hide it, then Jim hadn't been in any real danger. But if Bones seemed relieved and remained – mostly – silent, then in all likelihood Jim wasn't going to return to active duty anytime soon. Those were the times when Bones had worried, and they made feel Jim bad for having caused that worry.  
  
Not that Bones ever openly admitted that he had worried. He didn't, but still it was right there for Jim to see. It were the small things, like the bloodshot eyes that spoke of little or no sleep, or the stubble on his face that made it clear that things like personal grooming had taken the backseat during Jim's injury. But most of all, _always_ really, it were Bones' eyes that told clearly how much he had worried. Jim couldn't even put a finger to it, not really, but when those eyes looked at him with such an expression of tired relief, it always gave him that small painful twinge in the pit of his stomach at the thought that one day he might not get to open his eyes again to find Bones hovering by his bedside, ready to make sure Jim was going to recuperate like nobody had recuperated before.  
  
Jim didn't want to cause that kind of pain, but sometimes being the Captain didn't leave him any other choice. That was one of the downsides to command, something Starfleet didn't exactly hand out leaflets for.  
  
After five years of exploring deep space, and more importantly after over three years of being married to Bones, Jim thought that he had it all figured out pretty well. For one, how to try and avoid ending up in Sickbay in the first place. And, even more importantly, how to read his husband's reaction in those cases when it couldn't be avoided and he ended up injured and in Bones' care.  
  
And as always when Jim thought he had figured something out, the universe just had to throw him a curveball.  
  
Despite the fact that Jim really didn't get himself hurt intentionally, he was no stranger to waking up in Sickbay. But never, not once during all those years of serving aboard a starship, had he woken up to find Bones sitting on a chair beside his biobed, fast asleep with his head pillowed on the edge of the bed, clinging tightly to Jim's hand.  
  
That should have been the first clue that something was wrong. The entire crew knew that Jim and Bones loved each other, but still they weren't the kind of couple who indulged in public displays of affection all that often. Never, really, when anybody else was present. And unless they were in their own quarters, there were always others nearby.  
  
So when Jim woke up with a blinding headache to find Bones curled up by his bedside, clinging to his right hand even though he seemed fast asleep, a bad feeling started to settle in his gut. If Bones forewent his iron rule about the degree of how touchy-feely he allowed himself to be in public, it didn't take a genius to figure out that this time, it had been bad. Really bad. Jim had no idea how bad exactly, but from experience there was one surefire way to find out – he only had to wake up Bones. Jim turned his head to the side, barely suppressing a groan as the pounding in his head increased tenfold at the small movement. But now he could look at Bones, and would be able to see just how bad it had really been.  
  
His limbs felt heavy and rubbery, but still Jim managed to draw up enough strength to squeeze Bones' hand. Bones was a light sleeper even when exhausted, and the reaction was immediate. His face pulled into a frown, the way it always did when he was about to wake up. He squeezed Jim's hand in return, but when his eyes opened and he blinked a few times as he was trying to figure out where he was, he let go of Jim's hand so abruptly as if it had burned him.  
  
Jim was startled, a feeling that only increased when Bones got up from his chair so quickly that it nearly toppled to the floor. Jim felt his heart beat faster in his chest as he lay there, unable to do anything but watch silently as Bones stared down at him, eyes wide and so many different emotions crossing his face that Jim was struggling to catch them all.  
  
Bones had never before acted like this, and the fact that Jim didn't know what to do about it scared the shit out of him. At first Bones looked relieved, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders now that Jim was awake again. Fear, worry, relief, it was all there in his husband's face as he stared down at Jim, but still it was unlike all the previous times they had been in a similar situation.  
  
Bones' eyes were bloodshot, surrounded by dark shadows in his otherwise pale face. His whole appearance was rumpled and unkempt, as if Jim had interrupted the first sleep he had gotten in days. Jim thought he looked thinner somehow, too, although he had no idea how that could be possible. It was a bizarre situation, and Jim only wanted for Bones to finally say something in the hope that things would start making sense then.  
  
"Bones?" Jim croaked out, surprised at how hoarse and weak his own voice sounded.  
  
Bones didn't look at him, and the bad feeling in Jim's gut only got stronger. He drew breath to try and say something else, but Bones shook his head with a pained expression on his face, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers. Jim could see the shutters go down as Bones for some reason forced his face into a calm mask, and that probably worried him most of all. Bones never shut him out, not like this. But right now he did.  
  
Worse, Bones was getting angry, and Jim had absolutely no idea why.  
  
Only a few people really knew it, and quite probably nobody who knew his usual short-temperedness would guess, but when Bones got angry, he got very, very quiet. During all the years he had known the man, Jim had only seen Bones really angry a small number of times, and never before had that anger been directed at him. Which, he only now realized, was something he should be grateful for. It was a disconcerting experience, and not something Jim ever wanted to be subjected to again, not if he could prevent it.  
  
When Bones was pissed, he got loud. When he was really angry, he got quiet and walked away.  
  
Right now, Bones looked at Jim – at a point somewhere between Jim's chest and shoulder, not his face – for a few seconds, then he swallowed hard, wordlessly turned around and left. Jim could only watch in stunned disbelief as his husband vanished behind the privacy curtain that was closing his bed off from the main area of Sickbay. A moment later he heard voices speak silently, then the telltale swish of pneumatic doors left no doubt that somebody had just left the room. And though Jim still had absolutely no idea what had just happened, he knew with certainty that Bones had gone.  
  
Doctor M'Benga stepping up to his bed with a strained smile on his face a moment later was a confirmation of that fact which Jim hadn't really needed. He knew that it was useless to ask the other doctor about the reasons for Bones' unprecedented reaction. Even if M'Benga knew, he probably wouldn't tell Jim about it. And that had nothing to do with loyalties amongst medical staff or anything – although those were strong – but with the fact that he shared Bones' insane assumption that just because someone was lying on a biobed, they were too fragile to deal with anything remotely upsetting.  
  
The truth was, Jim needed Bones to be there at this moment. It was what you did in a marriage, right? You were there when the other one needed you. Besides, that's how it always was. No matter if the mere fact that Jim got injured pissed Bones off or scared the crap out of him, he was still always there when Jim woke up battered and bruised and tried to piece together what had happened to get him into that situation. The fact that Bones was leaving him alone now hurt more than Jim wanted to admit.  
  
M'Benga examined Jim without saying much. Jim had hoped to get some sort of explanation as to what had happened since his own recollection was hazy at best. But before he knew what was happening, the doctor had pushed a hypospray to his neck and the world went dark once more.  
  
When Jim came to again, the room was lit more brightly than the previous time, and he could hear the sounds of the usual bustling and activity at Sickbay during an ordinary shift.  
  
Bones was nowhere to be seen.  
  
In fact, his husband didn't return to Jim's bedside for the entire day. And it hurt. It damn well hurt a lot.  
  
But Jim had other visitors who provided at least a little distraction from his morose brooding about why Bones wasn't there. And now that he was awake and coherent again, he started to piece together what had happened. And the more he heard about what had happened, the more he started to understand why Bones had acted the way he did.  
  
All Jim remembered was that they had been sent to help evacuate a Federation Science Station on a planet that was being claimed by a highly aggressive species. Long-distance negotiations between the Federation and the aggressors had failed, and after the first attack on the station that had cost two security guards their lives, Enterprise had been sent there to oversee the evacuation and lend a helping hand in case the station was attacked again.  
  
Jim remembered how they had taken the shuttles to the surface. He remembered that the evacuation had been well under way when the attack had started. Things after that got a little fuzzy. Jim remembered bursts of energy and explosions, then he remembered being in a shuttle with Spock's voice in his ear. He distinctly remembered thinking that Spock sounded angry, and that he was going to use that against his First Officer mercilessly because really, he was _so_ seeing through this whole emotional control thing. Then…he didn't really remember anything.  
  
However, it seemed that everybody else on the ship, including most of all Bones, knew exactly what had happened.  
  
Taking one of Enterprise's shuttles in an attempt to draw attention away from the defenseless civilian transports had obviously worked, so Jim figured it couldn't have been that bad of an idea. All scientists had escaped to Enterprise unharmed because Jim had drawn most of the firepower onto himself and his own shuttle. And the plan would have worked out perfectly had it not been for the direct hit the shuttle had taken – a hit that had taken out the shuttle's shielding and engine in one single blow, and had caused it to crash on the planet's surface. In all honesty, Jim wasn't too sad that he didn't remember that particular part of what had happened.  
  
It had taken the crew nearly two hours to locate the crashed shuttle, and yet another hour to find a safe way to get to it and recover Jim without drawing the aliens' attention to the fact that there was somebody left on the planet.  
  
Bones, by all accounts Jim heard of what had happened, had completely lost it during that time.  
  
The reason why it took so long to even find the shuttle was that Jim's life signs had been so weak that this ship's sensors hadn't been able to pick them up. Only when Chekov recalibrated the sensor array to trace the shuttle's engine signature all the way to its crash site were they finally able to locate it. It had been a slow and long-winded process, though, and patience had never been one of Bones' virtues. That's why it had taken them so long to find him.  
  
By M'Benga's account, Jim had suffered from bone fractures in nine different places. Most of his ribs on the left side had been cracked, three of them broken. As had been his left arm, his cheekbone, his hip and his left leg. The damage on the inside had been even worse. Ironically, the fact that the crash had effectively jammed Jim underneath the remains of the pilot's console had saved his life, the pressure from the bent and twisted metal actually staving off the internal bleeding even as it caused further damage to his already broken body.  
  
As M'Benga put it, it was a small wonder in itself that Jim had survived the initial crash, not to mention the hours it took to get medical help to him.  
  
Jim nearly died the first time before he was even put on the surgery table. His heart stopped a second time in the middle of surgery – a surgery which, much to Jim's surprise, hadn't been performed by Bones. M'Benga's assessment on why that had happened was as clinical and rational as his account of Jim's injuries had been. According to the other doctor, Bones hadn't been in any condition to perform the surgery, so he had stepped in.  
  
In all the years Jim had known his husband, Bones had never not been able to perform a surgery.  
  
It took Uhura's visit to Jim's bedside and a lot of coaxing to get the full story.  
  
Jim almost wished he hadn't asked her for it.  
  
Bones had taken the shuttle down to the planet with the initial rescue team. He had been there when they had found the shuttle, and by Uhura's account it had been barely recognizable as such anymore. Once they had managed to get inside, Bones had been one of the first to see the image of Jim trapped underneath all the crashed and bent metal. He had been there as the security officers had cut Jim out of the wreck that had once been a sturdy Starfleet shuttle. What field triage had been done to Jim in order to get him stable enough for transport back to Enterprise had been done by Bones.  
  
And Bones had been there when, halfway between the Transporter Room and Sickbay, Jim's heart had suddenly given out.  
  
M'Benga had described the incident calmly. But by Uhura's account, when M'Benga had seen how badly Bones' hands were shaking, he had effectively banned Bones from entering the Surgical Bay. That was when Bones had completely lost it. And while his Communications Officer was quick to assure Jim that nothing Bones had done had in any way jeopardized Jim getting the treatment he needed, something Jim hadn't been worried about at any point, Bones had been insistent on being in Surgical Bay during the operation. Insistent in this case meaning all hell had broken loose in Sickbay.  
  
Jim knew that Uhura was still downplaying the degree of Bones' outburst, something he was absolutely sure of when she mentioned that in the end, Spock had to restrain Bones from physically shoving his way into Surgical Bay along with M'Benga and the nurses.  
  
Jim could only imagine how much worse that must have made things. Seeing Jim hurt always freaked Bones out. But knowing that Jim was hurt, knowing that it was very possible he was going to die, and being kept from him during those moments – Jim couldn't even imagine what it must have done to his husband. He knew he would have gone completely insane with worry in such a situation.  
  
That was what had happened before his surgery. The other piece of the puzzle were the medical facts, which explained why Bones had looked so haggard when Jim woke up.  
  
Near-fatal blood loss. Eight hours in surgery. One day in a stasis field because M'Benga was worried that Jim's condition was too weak for him to survive the night. Five more days in a medically invoked coma, and three more under heavy sedation before he had woken up on what was the tenth night since the shuttle crash.  
  
And Jim understood why Bones had wordlessly stormed out of Sickbay the moment Jim had woken up. It didn't make it hurt any less, or reduced Jim's need to have his husband with him right now, but he understood why Bones had done it. He knew Bones well enough to understand where it was coming from.  
  
Jim had always known that one day it was going to happen. And he knew that deep down, Bones must have known, too.  
  
He didn't know how Bones normally did it, how he was able to detach himself from Jim and his feelings for his husband in those situations when he had to do his job, and treat Jim like he would treat any other patient. Jim knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he wouldn't be able to cut into Bones with a laser scalpel, or reign in his worry, fear and love far enough to stop his hands from shaking when Bones was hurt.  
  
Bones was a great doctor, and somehow he had managed to push all personal feelings aside when it came to treating Jim. Until now, it seemed. It was a moment that had been coming ever since their first kiss, and at least now they were over and done with it. And Jim didn't think any less of Bones, or his abilities as a doctor, because of one instance where his hands had been shaking too badly to perform a surgery. Not at all.  
  
But he also knew that Bones wouldn't see it like that.  
  
Bones knew that his medical staff was probably the best in the entire federation. But the Captain's health was the CMO's responsibility. More so, Bones felt Jim's health was his personal responsibility. And that in this instance he had been unable to step up and do his job, to Bones, could only seem like a failure.  
  
A failure to his job, but more importantly, a failure to Jim. And that's where the anger came from - not anger at Jim, or at what had happened. Not even anger at the bastards who had shot Jim down. No, it was anger at himself for not being able to help Jim when he needed it.  
  
It explained why Bones had been unwilling to hand over responsibility for Jim's treatment to M'Benga, even though the other man was a good doctor, and it also explained why he had been insistent on being present in Surgical Bay while M'Benga operated.  
  
That he had been kept out and kept away from Jim during that time must have felt like punishment.  
  
Waiting out beside Jim's bed for days after the surgery – Jim didn't want to think about what it had done to his husband. How much it had made the anger at himself rise. He could imagine only too well.  
  
The fact that one of them might die was a fear they both had to deal with every day, and no matter how much they pushed it away, it was always there. Jim was equally worried about Bones, even though it was a fact that Jim got the most dangerous job out of the deal. And Jim had never doubted that Bones would be able to be the CMO first, and Jim's husband second, when it really counted.  
  
Only, now it had happened for the first time that Bones hadn't been able to do this. And Jim knew him well enough to know that this had added another fear to the ever-present worry that Jim might get hurt – the fear that if it happened, Bones would freeze up like that again.  
  
It wasn't a fear Jim shared. But he could imagine only too well that during the days Bones had sat at Jim's bedside, it had settled firmly in Bones' mind. Bones thought he had failed Jim, and that explained why he had been unable to do anything but get up and leave once Jim had woken up again.  
  
That he understood Bones' motivations didn't mean that Jim didn't need his husband with him. He did. He really did. But it took until late in the evening until Jim saw his husband again.  
  
Jim didn't know what shift rotation Medical was on today, but even during the every-day bustling of Sickbay behind the curtain that shielded him from view, he didn't hear Bones' voice just once. It would have been torture otherwise, to know Bones was around and simply refusing to come and see Jim while he was on duty.  
  
When someone came to check up on Jim, it was either Chapel or M'Benga. Both were very tight-lipped as to Bones' whereabouts, only telling Jim that he was going to be around later. And Bones hadn't been in uniform when Jim had last seen him. So Jim guessed it was safe to assume that Bones was off duty right now.  
  
That assumption was confirmed later in the evening, around the beginning of gamma shift, when Bones finally stepped up to Jim's bed again. He was still out of uniform, and while he had obviously showered, shaved, and changed his clothes since his last visit, he didn't look any less haggard than a day ago.  
  
And while he might be off duty, he still was a doctor with every bone in his body. So the first thing he did was to check the readouts on the monitors over Jim's bed, assuring himself in the numbers and diagnoses he read there before he took a few hesitant steps to Jim's side. Before, Jim realized, he even looked into Jim's eyes.  
  
Bones looked tentative in every movement as he approached Jim's bed. Jim didn't even want to know what kind of thoughts were going through his husband's head right now. All possible ways to explain his behavior, probably, all of which Jim knew he'd discard as not sufficient enough to really make Jim understand why he had reacted the way he had.  
  
Not that it mattered.  
  
What mattered was that Bones was here now. And no matter what Bones thought on the matter, he hadn't failed Jim, or his job, in any way. If anything, Jim was relieved that it had finally happened, that the moment when Bones for the first time hadn't been able to distance himself from Jim like he would from any other patient, was over and done with. And that it had happened in a situation where M'Benga had been there to take over for him.  
  
"Bones," Jim pressed out, weakly struggling to sit up even though M'Benga had been explicit on the fact that it was pretty much on top of Jim's _don't do_ -list right now. Bones, despite his prolonged absence from Jim's bedside, seemed to be aware of it as well, because he was there in an instant, both hands on Jim's shoulders as he gently pressed him down onto the biobed.  
  
At the feeling of Bones' hands on him, it felt like a tight knot inside of him was dissolving. Jim sank back down onto the bed without putting up any more struggle. Instead he reached for Bones' hand, wrapping his fingers tightly around his husband's. Bones looked anguished.  
  
"Jim…"  
  
"Don't." Jim shook his head. "Just…just don't."  
  
But it was as if Bones hadn't heard him. He made no move to draw his hand away from Jim's, but his eyes weren't meeting his husband's and he gave the impression that he'd rather be anywhere but here.  
  
"I couldn't. Damn it, Jim, you were…and after all these years, I couldn't…"  
  
"Bones!"  
  
"Your heart stopped, and I just…I froze, damn it, couldn't do a goddamn thing…"  
  
"Leonard!"  
  
Jim didn't know if in all their years of knowing each other, he had ever called Bones by his given name. If so, it hadn't been often. And it was enough to shut Bones up momentarily, and that was all Jim needed. Before Bones had a chance to snap out of it, Jim pulled him close and pressed his lips to Bones'.  
  
In Jim's experience, it was the most effective way to shut Bones up. Even if it was clumsy, and the angle was all wrong. Bones made a startled sound against Jim's lips, but after a second or two he hesitantly kissed back.  
  
They should probably talk about this. Jim could think of a couple of different reasons why, rationally, they should talk about this. But rationality was overrated. Besides, Jim knew what the problem was. Bones definitely knew what the problem was. Talking about it wouldn't get either of them just one step farther. It was just another thing they had to add to the list of things on the back of their minds, the things they didn't talk about and tried to stop from happening.  
  
Bones stayed the night, even though sleeping in the hard chair beside Jim's bed was uncomfortable. The next morning, he worked the alpha shift, and at the end of it he took Jim home to their quarters. When they made love that night, it was slow and desperate, less an act of passion than one of reassurance that they were both still alive, still together.  
  
They really should talk about what had happened. But they had always been better at wordless communication, anyway.  
  
It was screwed up, but it worked for them. And really, out here in the black, that was all Jim could ask for.  
 _  
_


	6. Chapter 6

_#6 Talk to your partner about your biggest wishes. Unless your partner is a telepath or an empath(*), they cannot know about your innermost desires if you don't openly discuss them. Only through communication about those dreams and desires can you draft a plan on how to make them come true.  
  
_ _(*)In case your partner happens to be a telepath, or the member of an empathic species, we recommend further reading from our wide range of specialized self-help guides. Our editor's top picks are "Bonding with a Betazoid", and the classic "Mind-Melds for Dummies", which is now available in its revised 138th edition._  
  
Jim considered himself to be many things. He was a Captain, a Starfleet Officer, an explorer of new worlds and part of what he liked to think of as the best crew in the entire Federation. On a more personal level, he thought of himself as a husband, a lover, and a loyal friend, as well as a lot of other things he'd be able to come up with if he was only given enough time to think about it.  
  
But if there was one thing Jim didn't consider himself to be, one job he thought he was completely and utterly ill-equipped for and wouldn't want to have anything to do with if he only had the choice, then it was this one.  
  
James T. Kirk wasn't a midwife.  
  
Really, he wasn't. There was no way to say it other than that in no possible universe, in no alternate reality and no thinkable future and past there existed a single one in which James Tiberius Kirk embraced the task of an obstetrician.  
  
Unfortunately, what Jim thought he was or wasn't played little or no role at all right now.  
Lieutenant Henderson, a member of the science crew, was undeniably very pregnant and definitely in labor. Which wasn't so much the problem. After all, everybody had known that this was going to happen sooner or later. And more importantly, that's what they had Bones for. Bones had gone to med-school and had endured years of Starfleet medical training for just that reason: to treat crewmembers when they got sick, to put them back together when they got injured and…well, and to help them bring babies into this world if they happened to be pregnant and went into labor.  
  
It was Bones' _job_ as a doctor, for crying out loud. If someone was shooting at the ship Jim took care of it, if the engines blew up Scotty put them back together, if some undecipherable alien mumblings greeted them on one of the communications channels, Uhura made sense of it. And if somebody was having a baby, it was Bones' job to help them with the process of getting it out. In the Medical Bay, far away from where Jim had to witness the process.  
  
Jim's problem wasn't so much that Lieutenant Henderson was having a baby – that was something that didn't exactly come as a surprise – or even that she was having it right now.  
  
No, Jim's problem was that one moment he had been alone in the science lab with the hugely pregnant woman, going over some test results Spock had wanted him to see, and the next moment there had been an explosion rocking the ship. Henderson had fallen off her chair, Jim had been tossed against one of the computer consoles, then the ship had lurched again with a sound that was undeniably an explosion, and everything had turned dark.  
  
By the time Jim got to his feet again and the ringing of bells in his head had quieted enough for him to hear his own thoughts, he realized a couple of things at once.  
  
The lights were out.  
  
There was no power.  
  
And Henderson had gone into labor.  
  
And because Jim was Jim, which meant the universal rule that _nothing_ could ever be easy in the life of James T. Kirk applied, it didn't end there.  
  
The lab's main communication console was dead, but Jim's handheld communicator had its own power source and was working just fine. It was their only link to the rest of the ship, and it would be for a little while to come. It took a few minutes to piece together what had happened, and Jim wasn't too sure he liked the picture that was forming. Apparently, a cloaked mine had latched onto the ship's outer hull, had exploded and torn a hole the size of a shuttle pod into it. The good news, relayed by Spock after minutes of investigation and headcounts, was that apparently nobody had been killed by the explosion or the subsequent lack of air and pressure in some compartments of the ship.  
  
The bad news – and in this particular case that meant the really, _really_ bad news – was that the hole in the outer hull was located as close to the Science lab as it could be. Life support in the affected areas was holding up, but D- and E- deck had no energy for the time being. And the transporters didn't work. Of course. It was just one of those days.  
  
The corridor outside the lab was depressurized, the doors had automatically sealed airtight, access to the science lab was blocked from either side, and the repair crews would take a couple of hours to get to the point where the corridor could be re-pressurized. Meanwhile, there was no other way for a medical team to get to Jim and Henderson, the young lieutenant was in labor, and the one person on the ship who actually _knew_ a damn thing about delivering babies was currently sitting three decks above them, unable to get any closer and do his frigging job.  
  
Bones was doing his best, Jim had to grant him that. In between telling Jim what to do he was repeatedly snapping at Scotty to get the repairs underway faster. He was putting a definite effort into trying to stay calm whenever he was speaking to Jim directly, but the comm link was open and it wasn't as if Jim was unable to pick up on the urgency in his voice as he dressed down the Chief Engineer for not getting the problem solved fast enough.  
  
Lieutenant Parks from Engineering wasn't exactly helping, either. As Henderson's husband and father-to-be of the child that was about to be born, Jim guessed that he had a right to get involved. So he couldn't really blame the man. But the same explosion that had locked them into the science lab had locked Parks along with another handful of engineers in one of the portside loading docks.  
  
They could get repairs started directly at the source of the damage, that was a good thing. The bad thing was that Parks had a communicator of his own, and that he didn't hesitate to use it. In between the babbling of all the different tinny voices echoing through the room Jim was sorely tempted to smash his communicator against the nearest wall just to shut them up. Because Parks cooing to his wife and Bones getting more and more frustrated every time he spoke to Scotty? So not helping Jim with his current problem.  
  
Jim could sympathize, he really could. Personally, he'd willingly switch places with Parks at any time. Witnessing the whole pregnancy only to be locked away from his wife the moment his child was about to be born must suck. But Jim was the one who was stuck with the task of delivering this baby, and right now he would prefer to have Bones' undivided attention while he was trying not to screw this up.  
  
And it didn't help that Bones had this whole _it's a natural thing, women have been doing it for millennia without the help of modern medicine_ , and _it's going to happen all by itself, you just need to lend a helping hand_ -spiel going on. Because while all that might be true, that didn't change the fact that this perfectly natural act was still going to happen right in front of Jim's eyes, not to mention under less than perfect circumstances.  
  
Power to the science lab was still cut, which meant that the room was dark safe for the two battery-operated lamps Jim had dug up rooting through the sheer endless amount of drawers and cupboards. The lamps were meant for testing bacterial growth under different light sources and not for providing real illumination, but in the absolute darkness of a windowless lab they had to make due. Henderson was sitting on the floor, her back leaning against the wall with her legs spread, naked from the waist down. One of the many white lab coats Jim had dug up during his initial search of the laboratory-turned-prison was spread over her lower body to provide at least some sense of decorum. It was more psychological than anything, because it was just the two of them there, and the nature of what was going on dictated that Jim had to peek under the meager covers in regular intervals anyway to relay Henderson's condition to Bones and carry out the doctor's orders.  
  
But still – Jim figured Henderson wasn't too keen on sitting in front of her Captain with her legs spread wide and nothing covering her up, and in all honesty he was just as glad for the thin barrier of fabric between them as the young Lieutenant was. He was already this close to losing what little of his Captain-y composure he was able to hold on to until now.  
  
And really, the only thing that was keeping Jim from freaking out was the sound of Bones' voice in his ears as he was getting reacquainted with parts of the female anatomy he had never thought he'd get up, close and personal with ever again.  
  
It turned out that giving birth to a baby was, if the expression on Henderson's face and the guttural sounds of pain she was uttering were anything to go by, a very painful process. Especially without the benefit of any kind of anesthesia or painkillers. It was also messy, took entirely too long and should happen in far more hygienic surroundings than on the floor of a science lab.  
  
Henderson grew more exhausted as the time passed. Yet another thing Jim could relate to because seriously? What Henderson was going through looked arduous, and it had been going on for _hours_ now. Jim felt like keeling over, and he hadn't even _done_ anything. But Bones was insistent that she needed to keep pushing no matter that she thought she didn't have the strength left, and Jim seriously started to wonder why in the world any sane woman would agree to put herself through this just once, let alone _repeatedly_.  
  
But the next time Jim peeked under the lab coat covering up Henderson's body as per Bones' instructions, he saw the baby's head. And then, after a few seconds of _oh fuck, this is really happening_ , it all suddenly went really fast. More and more of the head became visible, followed by neck and shoulders, and Jim's hands reached automatically. He heard Bones' voice clearly, heard his husband's instructions on what to do, but he had no idea if his hands were doing what the other man was telling him. Somehow, the connection between his ears, brain and hands wasn't working properly, and he could only hope that he wasn't screwing this up. Before he even knew what was happening, Jim found himself with his hands full of squirming, squalling newborn, and there was no time left for any thoughts except _don't drop him, don't drop him, don't drop him._  
  
Jim did his best to keep a firm hold while he listened to Bones' voice, and his words about checking the baby's airways, umbilical chords and afterbirth. Then the baby started squalling, a cry that had Henderson sob in relief but which made it so much harder to focus on the sound of Bones' voice over the sound. Jim was trying very hard not to think about what it was he was doing as his hands carried out his husband's orders, and he hoped and prayed with all his might that by some lucky chance he'd be ale to forget all of it as soon as possible. Once he was done he wrapped the squalling baby up in one of the lab coats and handed the small boy over to his exhausted but proudly smiling mother.  
  
Jim sank back against the wall, feeling every bit as worn out as if he had done more than kneel between Henderson's legs and told her to push. And suddenly the babbling cacophony of voices out of the various communicators, Bones' medical inquiries and questions about bleedings, heart-rate and frequency of breathing mixed with Parks' excited babbling and questions about eyes and nose and whether or not the baby was in possession of all his ten fingers and toes were giving him a headache.  
  
This whole birth thing had taken up hours, surely that should have been enough to find a way to re-pressurize the corridor outside and get Bones in here alone with his army of medics to take over, like they were supposed to. Under any other circumstances Jim loved being in command, but right now he'd very much want to relinquish responsibility to somebody else. Somebody who knew what the hell they were doing.  
  
"Jim!"  
  
Startled at the sharpness of his husband's voice, Jim realized that he must have failed to answer one of the man's questions at least once, if not more. Tiredly, he raised the communicator in his hand.  
  
"Bones, we're _fine_. Henderson looks fine, the baby looks fine, and I'm fine. Just…just get us out of here, okay?"  
  
There was a second's pause, but Jim knew that Bones was going to understand the tone in his voice, even without the need for many words.  
  
"Okay. Just hang in there, I'll get Scotty to make it happen."  
  
In the end, it took over an hour despite Bones' promise. Henderson was exhausted, and it was no small wonder that she handed the yet to be named baby over to Jim, carefully and quite obviously with great reluctance, before her eyes dropped close and her head dropped to Jim's shoulder as she succumbed to exhaustion. Jim didn't blame her, and after having his hands where only Lieutenant Parks was supposed to have his hands not even half an hour ago, Jim wasn't too bothered by their proximity either. There was something about dramatic events that just tore down usual boundaries.  
  
No, what confused Jim and unsettled him in no small way was that the baby in his arms didn't feel weird at all. He wasn't used to being around small children and had no experience in handling babies. He had known his own nephews at that age only from pictures and had only met them personally when they had been older. Older, and much less fragile.  
  
But there was no unusual worry about dropping the baby, or holding him the wrong way. The little tyke seemed just as asleep as his mother was, and if he had any complaints about being wrapped up in a lab coat, or about the complete stranger holding him, he hadn't yet thought of a way to voice that opinion.  
  
And it felt good, Jim realized with a sudden jolt. The baby was a comfortable weight in his arms, small and warm against his chest even through the layers of fabric between them. The thought of this little boy's helplessness, of how he depended entirely on the care and devotion of others for his survival scared Jim, even more so once he considered the other side – the enormous responsibility and commitment that came attached to the job of being a parent.  
  
It was a responsibility people loaded voluntarily onto themselves, despite all the fear, the worry and the sleepless nights it was going to bring. Before this moment, Jim had never understood how people willingly did that to themselves. Just the thought alone scared the living daylight out of him, but at the same time it made a warm feeling settle in his chest that had nothing to do with the baby curled up against him.  
  
It was _want_ , Jim realized, and felt his stomach drop a couple of inches.  
  
He wanted this, even though fifteen minutes ago he would have sworn that he didn't, and never would. But now that feeling was there, right in the pit of his stomach as he clutched the tiny newborn against his chest, and despite the fact that it wasn't even his own child he was holding suddenly Jim understood why people did this. Why they willingly took up all the responsibility, the commitment, the fear and the sleepless nights that were bound to follow. It wasn't something tangible, nothing he could have put a label to, but Jim understood.  
  
And of all the things that had happened today, that realization was something Jim hadn't expected. At all. He quickly pushed the thought away before it could settle in his mind. Because that right there was something he wasn't ready or willing to contemplate right now. Not…just not now.  
  
Henderson was still sleeping off her exhaustion when Jim heard the pneumatic hiss from the door that told him that the corridor outside had been re-pressurized. A second later the emergency lighting came back to life, and a gentle hum started back up behind the air vent that signaled that the usual airflow had been restored. Jim could have gotten up then, but Henderson was still leaning against his shoulder and the baby was asleep in his arms. Besides, he was tired, he had been through a shitty day, and he really couldn't be bothered to move just an inch.  
  
It was a good thing that he didn't move.  
  
If he had gotten up, Jim might have missed the look on Bones' face as the doctor came through the door, his medical team and a gurney in tow. Bones' eyes swept over Henderson and the mess on the floor first, taking in all the details and going through the medically relevant facts. And then he looked at Jim and the baby in his arms, and the look in Bones' eyes as his gaze lingered on them sent a shiver down Jim's spine.  
  
It was just a second, then Bones was back to being the CMO, kneeling down beside Henderson and running his scanner over her. But Jim had seen the look on his face, one he hadn't seen there just once before during all their years together, and something inside of Jim lurched in a way he couldn't really define.  
  
Whatever had been hanging in the air during that one heartbeat, it was all gone the moment Bones' medical crew came bustling into the room and started doing their job. Chapel knelt down in front of Jim, effectively blocking his view on Bones, her medical scanner out and running gently along the curve of Jim's arm that still cradled the baby. Judged by the expression on her face and the small nod she gave, whatever her readings said was good, and as soon as Henderson had been carefully moved onto a gurney, they were on their way to Medical Bay.  
  
Jim didn't quite know why he was still holding the baby as they marched down the corridors, but nobody had even made move to relieve Jim of the precious burden. And the kid was asleep, seemingly content for the moment, so there really was no reason to risk waking him up by transferring him to somebody else. Even though it meant that Jim was watching his every step, dreadfully afraid he might trip, run into a bulkhead, drop the kid or inadvertently do something else that could harm the fragile little thing in his arms.  
  
The trek to Medical Bay took only a few minutes, but it seemed like an endlessly long time to Jim. Never before had he been so glad to step through the double doors. No matter that all the excitement was long over, only now that they were finally back in Bones' domain, where trained people were going to take over everything, did Jim allow himself to relax. There'd be no complete relaxation for him before he handed the baby over to someone, went back to their quarters and took a stiff drink or two from Bones' stash of the good stuff, but being in Medical Bay was already a big step along the way.  
  
As soon as their little procession entered the room, Henderson was wheeled away, and Jim didn't feel particularly guilty for not paying much attention to that. He knew that his Lieutenant was in capable hands, and in all honesty he had already gotten far too up, close and personal with her today. He didn't really need to be there to witness whatever was going to happen now. The actual birth had already been far more than Jim had been prepared for seeing.  
  
Instead, he followed Bones. Not because he had any clue as to where his husband was going or what he intended to do. No, following Bones seemed like a natural thing to do at that moment. At least that way, no more medical emergencies could catch Jim unawares and unprepared. Also, after hours of being cut off from everyone else aboard aside from the pregnant woman in labor, Jim felt absolutely no desire to be alone. It was like a physical need to be with Bones now, and so Jim simply followed where he went.  
  
He didn't have to follow very far. Bones stopped at one of the examination tables and turned around, waiting for Jim to catch up. Jim came to a halt a few steps away from his husband, not really sure what to do now. Hesitantly, he shifted the bundle in his arms, holding the still sleeping baby slightly away from his body, and into Bones' direction.  
  
"Erm…I got a baby here."  
  
Bones' eyes turned towards the sleeping child in Jim's arms, and something flashed across his gaze that felt like a punch to Jim's stomach. It was the same look Jim had seen earlier when Bones had come into the Science Lab. It had stirred something inside of Jim that he hadn't been able to put a finger on, and right now that feeling increased exponentially.  
  
The look on Bones' face was unlike any other Jim had ever seen before, and the realization what exactly it was knocked the air right out of his chest.  
  
The same feeling that had sucker-punched Jim earlier by its unexpected stirring in his gut was showing on Bones' face now as he was watching the baby in Jim's arms with a tender smile on his face. Seeing it on his husband's face surprised Jim nearly as much as feeling it himself had earlier. It was sudden and unexpected, but it just felt…right. As if the feeling belonged with them. And that was maybe the scariest part of it all.  
  
Bones finally raised his eyes and met his husband's, and Jim felt his stomach drop from the pure and undisguised _want_ in Bones' gaze. Suddenly, Jim had the feeling that he was doomed, even though he couldn't have said when or why it had happened.  
  
"So I see," Bones said, his voice slightly rough as he broke the silence between them. He took a step towards Jim and reached for the baby. "Then let's see what we've got here."  
  
The baby remained asleep even as Bones took it out of Jim's arms. Finally relieved of his burden, Jim took a step back. His arms felt strangely empty, and he didn't quite know what to do with his hands now that he no longer needed to hold on to the most recent addition to his crew.  
  
He shouldn't feel this unsettled by all this, Jim knew that. What he needed was a break, some time to breathe and a little rest, and come tomorrow morning everything would be normal again.  
  
Jim crossed his arms in front of his chest, just so that he finally had somewhere to put his hands, and took a step forward to watch Bones as he unwrapped the baby from the lab coat. He handled the small child with sure hands, his movements precise and yet so very gentle as he ran his tricorder over the small boy, checked his reflexes and cleaned him up, and Jim could only watch in rapt fascination.  
  
He was lost. Hopelessly, completely, and utterly lost. Somewhere between helping to bring this little boy into the world and watching how, as one of his first acts in this new life, the kid peed all over Bones, that feeling of _want_ had settled firmly inside of Jim and refused to go away.  
  
Even later, long after Lieutenant Parks along with his unlucky fellow engineers had been freed from where the explosion had trapped them, and the exhausted, but happy new family had finally been united, it didn't give Jim any rest. Parks and Henderson had been excessive in their expressions of gratitude, something Jim hadn't particularly felt comfortable with. He still felt like it would be a long while before he could look Henderson in the eyes again; being thanked profusely for putting his hands where they most _certainly_ didn't belong was far off the scale of things Jim felt comfortable dealing with this night.  
  
But he could understand that it was important to them, so Jim put on his Captain-face and smiled through it. And it didn't take long, that was the one good thing that could be said about it. Parks and Henderson understandably wanted some time on their own, and Jim desperately needed some time alone – or rather, some time with Bones – as well. But even his own fatigue didn't stop Jim from making one last stop before he left Sickbay.  
  
After Enterprise had stopped Nero from destroying Earth, Riverside High School had been renamed in Jim's honor. And over the following years, he had received the occasional letter telling him that someone had named their child after him. Jim never knew what to think about that. It should be touching, in a way, but actually he didn't really feel anything about it. It was just too far removed from his life here on board, and those were people who didn't really know him at all.  
  
But he knew Lieutenants Parks and Henderson, and after everything that had happened today, Jim couldn't help but feel more than just a little proud as he looked down at the most recent addition to his crew.  
  
Matthew James Henderson was sleeping peacefully in his bassinet, ready to be wheeled back to his mother's bedside as soon as Chapel finished her last examination of the day. Jim stopped in front of the bassinet and looked down at that tiny human being in front of him, watched how his small chest rose and fell in time with his even breaths. Someone had dressed him in baby-appropriate clothing, and a tiny cap covered his head all the way to the top of his ears. His small hands were clenched into fists at his sides, and he looked completely content as he slept, just as if the day had exhausted him greatly.  
  
When the sound of steps approached him, Jim didn't need to look up to know who was there. He merely leaned into Bones' warmth as his husband slid an arm around him, exhausted but relieved at the same time at the turn this day had taken.  
  
"You did good today, Jim."  
  
He had, Jim guessed, his eyes still glued to the sleeping baby in front of him. Not that he had done all that much, but the thought that he had played a part, no matter how small, in making sure this boy right here got a safe start into life, more than outweighed the stress this day had put him through. Jim himself had been born in space, and under chaotic circumstances. But unlike him, this child wouldn't start his life in the middle of death and destruction. Unlike Jim, he was going to have both parents by his side. That was something to be grateful for.  
  
Like every time he thought about the circumstances surrounding his birth and his father's death, Jim felt a painful lurch in his gut. But this time there was a different quality to it. This time, Jim couldn't help but think of the other side – what it had to feel like to _have_ this, just like Parks and Henderson did.  
  
He turned to look at Bones, but his husband still had his eyes fixed on the sleeping baby in the bassinet. Bones didn't look at him, but still Jim knew.  
  
He had always thought that big decisions would make themselves known through some kind of monumental shift. But as Jim put his hand on top of Bones' that was resting on his hip, intertwined their fingers and squeezed, it all seemed so easy, the smooth slide from one mindset to another. Bones squeezed back, his fingers warm and gentle against Jim's.  
  
Maybe some things in life really came this easy. Loving Bones definitely did, and with that knowledge it really wasn't that hard to give in to the idea of _wanting_ and _rightness_ that had settled in his mind. A thought Jim knew was settling in Bones' mind as well as they stood there and watched Jim's newly born godson sleep peacefully.  
  
His godson. Jim smiled at the thought. Godfather had a nice ring to it, and Jim was looking forward to trying out that role.  
  
But maybe, in the long run, the word godfather just had one syllable too many.  
  
  **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**  
  
  
Okay, so this self-help guide was ridiculous. There was no other explanation. Not that Jim had for one second believed that a generic guide like the one Uhura had given him for his wedding was ever going to get even close to capturing his and Bones' relationship. It just wasn't them. They didn't work like that, by talking everything through to the smallest detail. And if some crappy self-help guide thought they should, then Jim pitied everyone who read the thing thinking that it could give them something even resembling useful advice.  
  
Still, it was disconcerting to read how some random psychologist (Dr. Nahila Pintalu, PhD in Psychology at Berkley, according to the end notes of the guide) gave the advice to do one thing, and Jim realized that he and Bones were doing the exact opposite. It had been funny for the first few key points. It got Jim thinking as it kept happening well beyond the first pages, and by the time the doors to their quarters opened and Bones stepped through, Jim was halfway through the guide and ready to toss it into the trash. Because really, they were working out just fine, and that had to mean they couldn't be that far off the mark.  
  
Bones stepped into their quarters and immediately headed for the bathroom, stopping only to press a kiss on top of Jim's head as he walked by the couch. Jim made no move to stop him as he went to take a shower, even though he had been waiting for Bones to come home for a while now. Bones was a man who needed his rituals, and the shower upon coming off shift was just as essential to his day as the first cup of coffee in the morning was.  
  
Duty roster or not, as CMO Bones was always on call. His crew could handle Medical just fine when he was off duty, but whenever something unexpected or big came up, it was Bones who was called in, whether he was on duty or off. That was why Bones had all these little rituals for when he went on and off shift. Jim had learned early on not to interrupt Bones in them if it could be avoided. It was his way of relaxing, of leaving the day behind and get the tension out of his system.  
  
Jim was playing idly with the PADD in his hands as he heard his husband move around in the bathroom, but didn't continue reading. It took only a couple of minutes until Bones emerged from the bathroom, his uniform discarded in favor of a simple pair of pants and a shirt. Jim obligingly shifted as Bones sank down beside him, putting his feet up on the coffee table with a sigh even as Jim settled back down, his back against Bones' side, Bones' left arm firmly around him.  
  
It still surprised Jim, each and every time, how much they fit like this. It shouldn't, not after all these years, but it still did catch him a little off guard that whenever they settled against one another they just fit, as if they were meant to be like that.  
  
Jim settled his head into the crook of Bones' neck, PADD forgotten in his lap. They had to make quite a picture like this, their legs angled away from each other but wrapped around one another in every other possible way. Bones relaxed back into the sofa with another sigh.  
  
"Thank god this shift is over. I swear, if I had to listen to Chapel for another minute, I would have given her a hypo full of sedatives, all consequences be damned."  
  
Jim bit his lip so that he didn't laugh out loud. Bones valued his nursing staff and held them in high opinion. But sometimes, the all-female staff was simply oozing a little too much estrogen for his comfort.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"For the entire shift, she's been talking to Nurse Stevenson about how she's going to redecorate her quarters. I mean, it's standard Starship quarters. There's barely enough room in there to scratch your back without kicking out your bunkmate. The bed is bolted to the floor, as is the desk and the closet. What kind of redecorating can you do? Definitely not enough to talk about for an entire shift, or so I thought."  
  
It was getting harder to control the urge to laugh, but Bones continued ranting as if he didn't notice.  
  
" _Eight_ hours, Jim. For eight hours I've listened to Chapel talk about Cardassian throw rugs, about how she can't possibly put that Denobulan flower right under the desk lamp because it might wilt, and how the picture of her grandmother is giving her the creeps if she puts it up opposite her bed. When she started talking about drapes, and I had the audacity to point out that those were pretty damn useless in a room that has no goddamn window to put them in front of, I swear her hand twitched into the direction of the tray with the scalpels. That woman is clearly insane!"  
  
Now Jim laughed, pulling Bones' arm more tightly around himself.  
  
"Life on a starship, Bones. You know that people do anything to make it feel more like home."  
  
"I'm not talking about putting up a plant or a picture. This was _torture_ , Jim. Home decoration torture. I should have her court-martialed for putting me through this. I swear, if you ever need to get information out of someone and don't want to resort to physical torture, just set Chapel on to them and tell her to talk interior decoration."  
  
Jim smiled and nuzzled more comfortably against Bones' warmth. As he shifted, the PADD shifted in his lap. Absent-mindedly, Jim picked it up with his free hand, twisting it between his fingers. It was ridiculous, really. He knew for a fact that they were good, that their lives and their marriage was working out just fine, and reading a stupid self-help guide was not enough to destroy that knowledge. But still, he couldn't help but wonder, just a little. Because apparently, their way of communicating issues wasn't the standard one.  
  
"Do you think we need to talk more?"  
  
Jim didn't see his husband, but he could practically feel him frown.  
  
"What the hell do you think we're doing now? Playing Yenga?"  
  
"No." This was harder than he thought, and Jim already half-regretted that he had said anything. "I mean the normal stuff. You know, the everyday stuff couples normally talk about when they get home from work."  
  
"What, like _'honey, how was you day'_?"  
  
Jim shrugged. "Maybe."  
  
Bones shifted beneath him, straightening up slightly on the sofa.  
  
"Okay, first of all – that's what we're doing right now. I'm telling you how Chapel was driving me insane for the entire shift, I'd say that pretty much qualifies as talking about my day. Besides, we don't need to talk about our damn workdays. I write you a report every single day I'm on shift, and if you only read them you'd know what I'm doing all day long."  
  
"I read your reports!" Jim protested indignantly.  
  
"Oh yeah? Then why hasn't anybody from Engineering gotten around to replacing the air-filters in the decon chamber yet, as I requested three days ago?"  
  
Jim sighed. "I handed it over to Scotty the day before yesterday. I'll tell him to get it done tomorrow."  
  
Bones made a grunt in the back of his throat that Jim took for agreement, and that was that. Or rather, it was all Bones had to say on the matter. It still didn't exactly help Jim with all the thoughts that were running amok in his head. Of course he knew they were working out as a couple. They had for years now, there was no reason to believe that it was going to stop working out. It was just that…well, apparently they weren't working out the way most couples did. Which was fine for them. Jim was just wondering if it was going to be enough to keep working out once things started to change.  
  
"Where's this coming from all of a sudden?"  
  
Jim shrugged, but Bones had already reached for the PADD with his free hand and had snatched it out of Jim's hand. Resigning himself to his fate, Jim didn't even put up a fight as Bones turned on the PADD and started to read. There was silence for maybe ten seconds, then Bones' chest started to move under Jim's back as he started laughing.  
  
"So you've finally gotten around to reading that thing."  
  
Jim only shrugged silently.  
  
"You do know that Uhura was yanking your chain with this, right?"  
  
"Yeah, you're one to talk. You're the one who got that huge leather-bound book from her. A book you can actually use, unlike me."  
  
Bones laughed again. "Jim, that professor who wrote the book Uhura gave me? I hated his guts. He was an incompetent old fool because of whom I had to take two xenobiology classes which I already had passed back when I got my MD. I've been at odds with the bastard during nearly every single lesson, and Uhura sat right next to me every time he tried to tell me I had been doing everything wrong for years. She was yanking my chain just like she did yours, Jim. No favoritism there."  
  
Jim couldn't help but laugh as he heard that. "So you mean I probably shouldn't have put her and Spock on opposing shifts for three weeks after she gave us those presents?"  
  
"I'm sure she's gotten back at you for it by now. But seriously Jim, you didn't honestly think that just because a self-help book says we should talk every damn little thing to death, something was wrong with us?"  
  
Jim shook his head, intertwining the fingers of their left hands. It was a habit he had picked up since their wedding, more of a subconscious thing than a deliberate movement. They weren't one of those couples who were big on hand-holding, but in moments like this one Jim liked the feeling of Bones' fingers twined into his, their wedding rings resting against each other.  
"Nothing's wrong with us, Bones."  
  
"You're damn right, Jim." He put the PADD down on the coffee table. "The only reason why I'm not throwing this thing out is that Uhura is going to _know_ it if I do, and then she'll make both our lives living hell. But don't you ever think that we're one of those generic couples who can draw advice out of a book like this and be happy with it. And I wouldn't want to have it any other way."  
  
"Me neither", Jim admitted with a sigh, settling more comfortably against Bones.  
  
"Good. Because if I hear you ask me _'honey, how was your day'_ just one damn time, I swear I'm going to give Chapel free reign to decorate your Ready Room with all the Cardassian throw rugs she can find. See if you still want to talk everything to death once she's been yapping at you about matching colors and patterns all day long."  
  
Jim laughed, feeling absurdly relieved even though he hadn't really been worried about anything. "I love you."  
  
Bones took a deep breath that Jim felt expand against his back. "I love you too."  
  
Bones was right, Jim knew that. Had known it even before Bones had reminded him of it. They just worked, and maybe it wasn't even good to question how or why. They worked, and they didn't need words for it most of the time. With a lot of things, it was good to hear them spoken out loud, but so much better, so much more intimate, if it didn't take any words to say them.  
  
But no matter how apt they were at non-verbal communication, there were some things that needed to be spoken out aloud. Some things that only became real once they were spoken out loud. And maybe there was no better moment than this, one of those preciously few moments when there was nothing else to consider but Bones and him, wrapped up around each other in a way that was so familiar and so right that Jim couldn't have said exactly where he ended and where Bones began. It was comfortable and so well-known, and Jim wanted nothing more than to freeze this moment and never let it go again.  
  
He only had to open his mouth and say it, after all. Just a few words that would undoubtedly change everything, but that was what they had wanted, after all. What they thought they were ready for.  
  
But Jim didn't say anything.  
  
Instead, he shifted their hands, his palm covering the back of Bones' hand. Bones made a small sound in the back of his throat as Jim squeezed his hand, then Jim shifted their hands so that Bones' palm came to rest against his stomach. It took a few moments, seconds during which Jim was tempted to hold his breath or maybe blurt it all out despite what he had been thinking about their ability to communicate without words. But then Jim heard the sharp intake of breath in his ear, and he felt Bones' fingers move carefully, almost tentatively, over the fabric of his shirt. Jim smiled, and squeezed Bones' hand again as Bones pressed a gentle kiss on top of his head.  
  
That was just the way it worked for them. Words were important in every relationship. But it was when you could hold entire conversations without saying a single word that you knew it was just _right_. And that's what they were, he and Bones. They were just right. And if you were lucky enough to have that, you didn't need to talk about it. At least Jim didn't. He was simply grateful that he had it.  
  
 **  
The End**


End file.
